foolish

foolish. this is what i feel right now.

i feel like i'm hiding behind all this pain. coming out with a smile, but simply, i'm lying. but if i can act the way i feel right now. it makes me drown back to the corner. sitting all by myself. without seeing the color of their world. full of sunshine. full of happiness. but me? i'll be ignored. i'll be forgotten. and i'll be lost and no one can even find where i am. cause i locked out the door and threw away the empty space for them to hug me or maybe just to listen i'm telling them what's wrong. i'll be blue. and turn out into black, white, gray. like an old photograph. blurry. and seems like i'm only a memory for them.

can you imagine how much it hurts when you are censured by millions mean words? no, you can't. until you experience it yourself. and it happened to me. sadly, i'm telling the truth. makes me wonder if i ran out from my house. go away, far far away. and no one there came out to chase me. not even 1. and i'll get myself lost in a middle of all the heartache. survive as strong as possible to not return back to the reality. and in the end, they'll just realized one thing. that i'm not even there. gone. no where to find.

once, they asked. 'are you tired?' or 'are you okay?'. hahaha. silly question. i don't think i need to answer that. cause if you know me, you'll find out by yourself. what is my feeling. and what is going on. but in reality, you just don't know who i really am. no, you don't and i don't think you will. do you know how much it hurts when your bestfriend said you don't need to be upset just when they saw you passing by? when they used to ask first what happens, sit next to you, listen to all you laments, give you advices, then hug you to make sure that everything will be okay. now, they won't be able to do that again. and i can't complain. i won't complain. cause i know, right now, they're just too happy with their own 'new' life.

and, here i am. being left with no one even know that i'm just too tired with my own life. i wanna change. but i don't know how. i'm kinda lost in the middle of my messy mind. full of problems. full of depression. full of pressure. full of stress. i just wanna stop for being fake. faking my own smile in front of them all. stop for being someone that they want me to be. i just wanna be free. feel free. free from all this heartaches. this pain which i finally realize it. quietly. one by one. each day, each hurt will continue to exist. how can i run away? how can i left all of this behind me? and going with the destiny of my life like there's nothing to be worried about.

they said, maybe i'm just too tired. but there's a question come out from my mind, every time they say that. 'what is actually made me tired?' life? friendship? family? relationship? activities? school? or all the things that i already mentioned? tired of everything. tired of nothing. now i just feel foolish. and i can't even control my own mind, my own feeling, and my own emotion. i don't feel like i lost my dignity. i just think that maybe they are not aware of where i am. i am not surrendering. no, i won't. but i'm going to step back. gradually arrange my circumstances, my chaos, and my tension, to return to the normal point of my life.