still confuse? yes, i am. i don't know how to say this, but it is complicated. too hard for me to take, to hard for me to play with this feeling. it hurts, much more than you ever thought. maybe you can say, "yaudah tunggu ajalah dis". as easy like that? no, it's not. it is waaaaaaaay harder than that. cause when you're in my position, i bet you will think and act the way i did these whole time.
like this week, 4 days of 7. it just............ugh. can't describe. happy? yes. but it just like that. and one time, that should be a special moment, just disappear like a wind blew away. because i can't meet him up. i can't see his face, those eyes, and those smiles. and what makes me harder to accept the truth, is that this thing, happened twice. like last year. :")
well, as usual, all i can do is just writing on a piece of paper, or using notes app in my phone, doodling your name, and wondering all of the what-if(s).
"kadang bertahan itu menyakitkan...
kadang bertahan itu luka...
pedih, menyeruak dari lubuk hati terdalam
bahkan suaraku tenggelam di dalamnya
membisu, hingga hati berdusta lagi
menangis, hingga tiada henti mengalir
menuruni lekuk wajah yang dirundung duka
menyusurinya bersama hening
aku hanya diam.. tak mampu bertindak
aku menjadi pasif.. tak mampu mengungkap
sakit ini terus menggema
membuatku menjadi tuli akan teriaknya..
lagi lagi aku melangkah mundur..
membiarkan diri hanyut
terbawa pergi oleh arusnya dalam luka"
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