distance

late night posts as you know are always about sadness, broken heart, regrets and disappointment, pain, depression, grief, and else.

and what's goin' on my mind now is about all of those things.

it happens because of the distance i have now with someone i love.

distance does make the heart go fonder, and stronger as well. cause it is going to face a lot of things that may tear them apart, scater them into pieces, while everything else is pushing it to stay strong.

there are so many pain i bear everytime i am being disappointed. each stuffes that put me in grief causes depression. i don't know how long i can hold these tears anymore, cause sometimes blaming doesn't fix anything. in the end my heart will always be broken, crack by crack, stick through all the sadness.

i may regret hurting you, but are you too?

baby, don't make our heart fall apart, don't make our heart far from each other by distance.

:)

there is a question that keep buzzing me lately, 'are we there already, at the end, when over is better than anything else?'

again i would say 'i hope not'.

but how can i hold on to this kind of relationship, when my heart is bearing, facing tears over and over again, and all i have done was let my pillow be wet at night.

we used to tell stories, share problems, figure it out together. TOGETHER. but now? i feel left alone.

i don't even care anymore to keep it all inside eventhough i know i am hurting myself more and more just to keep your heart safe, just to keep your smile in your face, just to see you happy.

can you see how i suffer? i hope you can't, cause if you knew you'll be broke baby and it will be hard for both of us.

again, i choose to hid it. it is wrong i know, but i guess you did all the same lately. and i feel stupid not to recognize that earlier. i just hope you don't repeat my mistakes cause it is hurting, more and more, every second.

remember the time when i fell asleep at night and i found a voicenote in the morning from you?
remember the time when we talk about everything till morning came?
remember the time when i can say straightly how i feel cause i know you would understand and yeah you did?
remember the time when you asked me if i'm okay just by reading my post here a minute after i posted it?

you seem to know what happened to me before i even told you, you seem to know how to make me happy with those little things.
where those things gone dear?

now i remember how recently i sent you a voicenote and i didn't get any reply.
now i remember how we argued through the night and ended up ignoring each other.
now i remember how i am getting used to hide my feelings and saying 'i am okay' when i am not.
now i remember how i realize you haven't check my blog for a while, and you seem like you do not care to read it again.

that is what happening now. that is what going on between us now.
and that is not how it supposed to be.

can we fix this or over is better? :)

f*ck my daily routine

Well hello again.. Still the same old me

There's actually something going on in my mind, distracting and annoys me the past few days

I don't know why, it almost reaches the end of the semester and i don't think i do good enough this time. You know what? It's been crazy, and i am stuck for being lazy. Once i get my mood boost to do all the paperworks and etc all bad things happen and again make me feel exhausted.

Still going on with my bf, and still the same old stories, heartbreaks, fights, arguments, crazy thoughts over each other, ended up in silence moment. No contact no good responses no vibe to talk to him. It's no good, i know, but shits happen tho. And for the fact that it's getting harder each day can't get away. All i have to do was just face this longdistance thingy cause that's all i need, need this to never stop because of some silly stupid hard convo between us. I hope we won't ruin anything just because of our ego is stronger.

Can anyone find me a good favor to cheer my life? At least for a while.

Oh gosh i need holidays and damn vacation. I need air, to breath this whole crazy things. Fresh air on the beach, the sea and the sunset, the mountain, the fun things to do in any other places will be better, cause now i am drown in my own fucking boring tiring daily routine.

Kayy then bye, gotta read more chapter..

and yes

and yes, it did change everything.

from lost to love.

from far to close.

from dream to reality.

from you, unreachable.

from you, so frustrating.

from you, who i adore.

now, for once, for-ever.

mine.

20.12.2013

to you

ada rindu yang aku jaga untukmu.

- M. Emka 

(via @felitadig)

ada rindu yang memang tersimpan. terjaga rapat hanya untuk menunggu didekap temu.

aku rindu. di saat-saat aku tak mendengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat mentari berganti rembulan, namun masih tak dengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat semua bahagia, nyatanya hanyalah semu.
aku rindu. di saat bersua terhalang jarak.
aku rindu. kamu.

ada sepenggal kata-kata. terkunci di ujung bibir dan kemudian tertelan kembali. malu untuk terucap.

kata itu. seperti memori yang mengiang tanpa henti di alam mimpi.
kata itu. seperti bising yang tak hilang dari ruas jalan.
kata itu. seperti dengungan lebah di sebelah telinga.
kata itu. seperti isyarat 3 kata.
kata itu. tentang kamu.

ada sisa-sisa tangis. tersamar tawa, terbuang kisah, lalu terserak oleh kenangan.

tangis. yang dulu jatuh seperti tetes hujan. yang kini mengering seperti di bawah mentari musim panas.

tawa. yang dulu hanya kerlingan belaka. yang kini hadir tiap aku menatap dua bola matamu.

kisah. yang dulu berlalu seakan detik dalam jam itu tak berfungsi. yang kini ada dan terbalut kata kamu.

kenangan. yang dulu pahit terasa. yang kini manis terukir, perlahan.

kamu. yang dulu hanya rupa tak terjangkau. yang kini hangat terasa, tersimpan sepanjang detak jantungku.

salam,

aku.

"kita kalo nonton action terus yaa?"

"ah enggak, 5cm bukan.."

"itu kan spesial.."

-a simple silly conversation that makes me smile :)

untuk yang bertambah usia

hey,
kamu yang baru saja melewati hari ini dengan usia yang baru saja berganti..

entah sebenarnya apa yang ingin aku tuliskan di sini. harapanku untukmu sudah terucap, hampir semuanya. semoga ini, semoga itu. sudah ku katakan tadi, bahkan lebih dari satu kali.

well, kamu sendiri tahu kan, 17, umur yang secara umum dikatakan sudah dewasa. untuk itu aku berharap menjadi pribadi yang semakin dewasa, terutama dalam berpikir dan bertindak. menjadi pribadi yang bisa mengatur ego, memandang lebih luas suatu masalah/persoalan, dan menghadapi segalanya dengan lebih bijak. seperti yang berulang kali kamu katakan sendiri kepadaku, berprinsip dewasa. :)

aku berharap kamu tetap menjadi kamu. yang aku yakin, akan semakin menjadi lebih baik dari sebelum-sebelumnya. tetap menjadi anak yang dibanggakan kedua orang tuanya, dan seluruh keluarganya. seseorang yang disayang serta dihargai semua teman dan sahabatnya.

hari ini, SURPRISE! bahagiakah kamu? kurasa aku tahu jawabannya, tanpa perlu mendengarnya dari mulutmu. dengan penuh tawa dan senyum yang terukir jelas di wajahmu, cukup. mamamu yang membantu mengatur semuanya, terima kasih yaa untuk mama. sampaikan juga salamku untuk papamu. hari ini, aku senang bisa melihatmu lagi. dan aku berharap, harapanmu pada dirimu sendiri yang terucap subuh tadi bisa terwujud. demi kamu sendiri.

untuk itu, aku ucapkan sekali lagi :

"selamat memulai lembaran tahunmu yang ke-tujuh belas, aditya."

love,
dis

february

welcoming another new month in 2013. hmm, time did fly so fast. don't you realize that?

page 32. chapter 2013.
another day that i spent with you. the first day of this new month. looking at you living your daily life at school. encourage you when you're at your weakest point. help you let go of your stress. from noon to eve. joking around with your friends. and get back home.

page 33. chapter 2013.
the next day. was your school's big day. an event that called jazznite. i came over, as i promise. and we did spend the whole time, from the afternoon till almost late at night. together. get along with your best friend and his girlfriend. you get to know my best friend(s) and friends. then you and your parents took me back home.

page 34. chapter 2013.
this day we celebrating my cousin's birthday. her sweet seventeen. with all of my besties from junior high and my little cousin. i'm happy and glad. to know that you could easily make friends with them. seems like you've known them for a long time. and when we go home. you almost fall asleep on my shoulder. love you :)

thankyou for these 3 days. spending time with you was really a moment i could never forget. :){}

sweet birthday

walaupun udah telat, tapi tetep bakal gw post tentang ini. karena gimana pun juga ini spesial.

MY SWEET SEVENTEEN BIRTHDAY

4 Januari 2013.
well, hari itu gw merayakan ulang tahun yang ke-tujuhbelas. sebelumnya gw juga udah post kan tentang 'being 17'. kali ini gw akan menceritakan apa aja yang terjadi when i was turning 17.

yaa gw sengaja nunggu jam 12 lewat cuma pengen tahu siapa yang bakal nyelametin duluan hahaha. and the winner goes to............MICHAELA MARIA KANYA ANINDITA~ sepupu gw tercinta. sahabat gw dari sejak gw keluar ke dunia ini yang notabene lahirnya cuma beda 10 hari sama gw.

setelahnya disusul oleh seseorang yang sangat tidak ingin gw bahas. baru setelah itu Adit. dia nelpon tengah malam saat dia berlibur di puncak bersama teman-temannya. curang banget kan dia masih liburan sedangkan gw harus sekolah besoknya wkwk. well, thankyou dit!♥

dan paginya gw bangun. kembali memasuki dunia belajar. sialnya ultah gw adalah selalu menjadi hari-hari pertama semester dua. hiks. tapi gw semangat-semangat aja sekolah. gak merasa bakal dikerjain kaya tahun lalu, karena udah gak ada kakak gw yang mensponsori semua ramuan aneh itu wkwk. hari itu gw disiksa dengan 6 jam pelajaran fak mayor, 4 jam matematika dan 2 jam biologi yang sangat tidak gw sukai. hhhhh. lelah yea. seperti biasa, didoain lewat sentral dan begitulah.

pas pulang ketemu sahabat gw, Aloysia Monika Kadiaman. a.k.a Monik. yak, gw diajak nemenin dia jalan-jalan ke depan, ngecek apakah Pak Ocen udah jemput atau belum. terus ngalur-ngidul gak jelas di area sekolah. anehnya gw gak merasa dia mengulur-ngulur waktu wkwk. sampe akhirnya dia minta temenin ke asem, dan tadaaaa.............gak ada apa-apa haha. boong deng :p. gw ketemu sama Kanya terus pas lagi ngobrol bentar *jeng-jeng* 

"Happy Birthday to youuu~ happy bithday to you, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you!" dari belakang my lovely bestfriends and friends dari X2 bawa red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese on top. hmm favorit gw haha. dengan satu lilin di tengah. tiup lilin yang pertama. di usia yang baru aja berubah. abis itu gak mungkin melewatkan yang namanya foto kan haha dan Debby menjadi orang pertama yang membetak cupcakes buatan Chatrin. thankyouu ciwi-ciwi.

Mitta.Kanya.Debby.Chatrin.ME.Zitta.Monik.Tania.Clara ♥

belom selesai gw disuapin sama Debby potongan kuenya tiba-tiba ada yang nyanyi lagi. lagu yang sama. dan saat gw nengok ke belakang, surprised! anak-anak gw, Asgard dan pasmen gw Ibas membawa kue dengan lilin dan sebungkus kado hihi. gw tahu banget mereka ngidam kuenya haha, jadi langsung abis tiup lilin kedua di tahun ini gw potong kuenya. dan first cakenya buat Ibas yea. terus dibagi ke anak-anak kerajaan dan anak-anak gonz satu-satu sampai ludes. walau gak lengkap tapi gw tahu banget mereka semua nyiapin ini dengan senang hati. :) makasih banget yaaa kerajaanku tersayang!

Vodie.Nicko.Ibas.Agung.Jose.Marcel.Breke.ME.Adri

first cake for pasmen!

Irena.ME.Angel.Grieska

pulang, sesuai yang udah direncanain, siap-siap ke Hamptons Cafe, di daerah kemang. gw ngerayain di sana sama sahabat-sahabat smp gw. yang janji bisa, 7 dari 8. gw dianter sama papa, mama, kakak lalu nunggu temen-temen pada dateng berdua Kanya. tiba-tiba Kendra yang sempet bilang gak bisa dateng dengan membawa Laras dan Okti. lalu disusul Chika and Cheyenne. mereka pada bawa kado hihi. dan yang menyedihkan adalah Kekke yang gak bisa dateng :(( terus Joanne tiba-tiba bilang gak dateng. walau sempet sedih banget tapi yaudahlah. kita makan, cerita-cerita, foto-foto pastinya dan tanpa disangka-sangka Joanne nongol di ujung tangga pas Kanya-Chika balik dari toilet. HAHHHHHHH! yeay gw dikerjain sama mereka. gapapa :). ciwi-ciwi itu bawa kado dari mereka semua, yang dibuat sama Joanne, plus kue ulang tahun. well, tiup lilin ketiga kalinya hari itu. hahaha, belom lagi gw sendiri ada kue dari papa mama, total gw tiup lilin 4 kali pas 17 tahun. in the end, all i can say is i'm grateful to have you all as my bestie. THANKYOU SO MUCH GIRLSS!♥({})

the present from my gurls ♥

Kanya.Kendra.Beben.ME.Chika.Okti.Chey.Ayash ♥ :*

dan itu hari yang gak terlupakan. sampe rumah udah malem banget tapi gw gak sabar buka kado. dapet macem-macem dari papa mama kakak sodara oma om tante temen sahabat. makasihh yaaa semuanyaa. juga buat wishes-nya!

presents \:D/

sweater dari asgard {} 

novel dan baju dari ciwi-ciwi♥

5 Januari 2013.
karena Adit baru pulang kemaren dari puncak, so gw ngerayain sama dia besoknya. tanggal 5 gw jalan sama dia sekalian traktir makan. yaa gak seberapa sih yang penting buat gw momennya :). kita ketemuan di pim terus abis makan di foodcourt, jalan-jalan, dan ke spot yang gak mungkin gw lewatin, gramedia haha. next, abis duduk dan ngobrol lama banget di starbucks, kita nonton hobbit. persis sebelom keluar studionya, dia ngasih gw kado :){}. pulangnya kita bareng, dianter sama temennya mama karena kebetulan mama dan teman-temannya ada di pim juga. sampe kompleks gw dia pulang sendiri. makasih udah nemenin aku seharian itu dit({}) makasih juga buat kadonya...really love it!♥

butterscotch from A♥

teddy bear-nya dinamain itu karena saking bingungnya, gw nanya Kirana dan tercetuslah nama itu. hahaha.

and here i am. living my 17.

untukmu

"aku heran, sebersit senyummu

bisa memecah rindu sekeras itu di dadaku.

aku heran, pekik tawamu

bisa membuatku menyeberangi waktu demi waktu.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa semua ketenangan

dan kebahagiaan mewujud kamu.

aku heran, bagaimana kamu selalu tersebut

dalam doa dan menunggu diamini waktu.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa kamu tertinggal di diriku.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa dengan sejentik waktu.

pusaran matamu menenggelamkanku.

aku heran, bagaimana aku dengan mudahnya mencintaimu.

sepertinya itu bukan keheranan, jika aku terlahir

untuk menunggu dan lalu menemani kamu.

sepanjang waktu."

- sadgenic - chapter 1 "Kotak Surat dan Kamu", page 66 -

bagus ya? bagus banget menurut gw. entah bagaimana, semua yang tertulis itu menggambarkan perasaan yang gak pernah bisa gw sampaikan ke dia. sejak dulu, sejak mengenalnya. persis sama.

he's just...

he's just the same. an ordinary guy. who is trying to find his best.

because...
he's not perfect. but i accept him for who he is.
he makes mistake. but he admitted his faults.
he's not here every moment. but i think about him every seconds.
he's not a joker. but he makes me smile when i am down.
he is far. but he stays in my mind.
he didn't give me any poetry. but he said it straight that he cares.
he keeps hang me in this relation. but he realize, it hurts me.
he is busy. but still missing me.
he's shy and quiet. but i admire his words.
he seems like an introvert. but his thought is mature.
he will change. but for his good.
he may not be worth fighting for this whole time. but there's always something that makes me hold on to this feeling.
he probably not the most romantic person. but he holds my hand tight and protect me.
he don't need to say sweet things. but his small attentions make my heart beats faster.

well...
he's not the best guy i've ever met. but now, he's all i want.

and because i know...
he's just a human. and no one is perfect.
he's just another guy. that can break my heart or keep it for true love.

should i hold on?

still confuse? yes, i am. i don't know how to say this, but it is complicated. too hard for me to take, to hard for me to play with this feeling. it hurts, much more than you ever thought. maybe you can say, "yaudah tunggu ajalah dis". as easy like that? no, it's not. it is waaaaaaaay harder than that. cause when you're in my position, i bet you will think and act the way i did these whole time.

like this week, 4 days of 7. it just............ugh. can't describe. happy? yes. but it just like that. and one time, that should be a special moment, just disappear like a wind blew away. because i can't meet him up. i can't see his face, those eyes, and those smiles. and what makes me harder to accept the truth, is that this thing, happened twice. like last year. :")

well, as usual, all i can do is just writing on a piece of paper, or using notes app in my phone, doodling your name, and wondering all of the what-if(s).

"kadang bertahan itu menyakitkan...

kadang bertahan itu luka...

pedih, menyeruak dari lubuk hati terdalam

bahkan suaraku tenggelam di dalamnya

membisu, hingga hati berdusta lagi

menangis, hingga tiada henti mengalir

menuruni lekuk wajah yang dirundung duka

menyusurinya bersama hening

aku hanya diam.. tak mampu bertindak

aku menjadi pasif.. tak mampu mengungkap

sakit ini terus menggema

membuatku menjadi tuli akan teriaknya..

lagi lagi aku melangkah mundur..

membiarkan diri hanyut

terbawa pergi oleh arusnya dalam luka"

smiles

do i run out a smile?

i thought it will be easy as it seems. like most of people said. but don't you guys get it? it was never easy. it is not easy. some of them said, maybe i just need to wait. but the question is, 'till when? 'till i'm tired enough? or up to a point, where i could no longer move on. and in the end, waiting will be the only way.

if only i can say that i want to end this thing up. but my heart won't let me. and 'till now, all i know is, my feeling for him was never fading. yes it was never. but it always took me to a doubt. doubt to go on with this feeling. and now i'm not sure enough with myself. do i pretend? i hope not. 'cause even it hurts, much more than you know, i'm still here. standing here alone and wait for you. anything about you. waiting for you to text me (first). waiting to see you every weekend. waiting to hear your voice again. waiting for your hand holding mine. waiting for you.

i guess you will never understand how long it took me to stay strong. to stay up at night, just to have a conversation with you. even if we talk about absolutely.....nothing. to hold on to this kind of feeling, missing you every second. even i know, we're nothing. but i'm drowning in this feeling. and seems like i cannot swim back to the surface and let this go. i should've known, that it will never be easy. for you and for me.

but do you see my eyes? they won't lie. and all of my tears are hiding behind these. ready to fall down and waiting to be wipe out from my face. and here i am now. waiting for you, waiting to have another smile. because of you.

over-thinking

orang bilang, cinta gak pernah salah. tapi apa iya? kalau kita jatuh cinta pada orang yang sangat amat mudah menyakiti kita apa itu gak bisa dibilang salah? buat gw, cuma perasaan yang gak pernah salah.

sudah hampir 2 minggu. dan pikiran gw masih saja berkutat pada hal yang sama. gila rasanya. apa-apa jadi gak tenang. apa-apa mikirnya jadi negatif terus. sebenernya simpel. gw kecewa. itu aja kok. tapi entah kenapa gw ngerasa hal ini, kekecewaan ini, sangat amat sulit buat diungkapin. berapa orang udah gw bagi tentang ini, tapi masih aja rasanya belom cukup. masih ada aja rasanya yang ganjel di pikiran gw.

nyerah. satu kata yang sangat mudah keluar dari mulut, tapi kesannya bodoh banget kalo lo sampai bisa ngelakuin ini. tapi itu yang ada di benak gw sekarang. pikiran untuk nyerah. untuk gak ngejalanin lagi semuanya. cuma karena apa? karena ego. karena lelah. karena capek. karena sakit hati. karena gw gak sanggup lagi buat ngelakuin ini. seperti yang pernah gw baca di @viatumblr, katanya "time can heal a broken heart, but time can also break a waiting heart." bener banget. dibilang lama, ya semua orang bilang lama banget. tapi entah gw sendiri kadang gak mau lepas dari kedekatan ini. tapi bahwa kadang gw ngerasa ngebuang waktu dengan nunggu satu kepastian dari dia itu gak salah. sering bahkan gw berpikir untuk mundur dan menyudahi semuanya. tapi lagi lagi perasaan gak bisa bohong. gw masih menanti. sampai di satu titik gw gak berani untuk ngebuka hati gw untuk orang lain. bahkan untuk mengakui bahwa gw ada perasaan untuk orang lain pun rasanya berat. gw seperti mengkhianati perasaan dia yang berkali kali terlihat jelas tulus. atau malah 'polos'? gw gak begitu paham, tapi yang jelas gw ngerasa amat sangat bersalah sekarang. sekalipun ya dia gak tau tentang hal ini, tapi hati gw tau dan udah mengakui itu. kesalahan fatal mungkin? gw gak tau juga. yang pasti ini salah.

but, do you know, it was like, i'm holding on something that i cannot reach at all. masa iya gw terus menerus diam dan gak bisa ngapa-ngapain. gw kadang merasa ini cinta yang salah, yang membuat gw bertahan terlalu lama tanpa kepastian apa pun, yang membuat gw terdiam bahkan di saat gw bisa menjalani harapan lain. tapi satu hal yang pasti dan gak bisa dipungkiri, karena perasaan ini. perasaan ini gak salah, gw menjalani seturut hati nurani gw menuntun, mungkin iya cinta ini salah, kisah ini salah, hubungan ini salah, tapi perasaan ini enggak. ini benar. ini nyata. ini ada. ini kongkrit. dan masih terus bisa gw rasakan. perasaan gw tentang lo. segalanya tentang lo sejak dulu. sejak saat itu. sekalipun gw udah pernah disakitin, tapi gw kembali lagi seperti orang bodoh. balik lagi, karena perasaan gak pernah salah. dan kadang jutsru karena inilah memaksa kita bertingkah di luar akal sehat, di luar pikiran umum, sampai membuat orang lain gak percaya dengan yang kita lakuin. mungkin memang benar, kebanyakan orang bilang bahwa jatuh cinta bisa membuatmu menjadi orang bodoh.

so, what am i supposed to do? yang pasti, sebersit perasaan yang sempet ada buat orang lain itu, perlahan gw hapus. karena gw sadar, gw gak bisa terus-terusan nyakitin diri gw sendiri. padahal gw udah tau gak pernah ada harapan. dan mulai memupuk lagi untuk membuatnya kembali utuh. yaitu, perasaan gw ke dia seorang. :")

i miss you

hello there

the angel from my nightmare

the shadow in the background of the morgue

the unsuspecting victim

of darkness in the valley

we can live like Jack and Sally

if we want

where you can always find me

and we'll have halloween on christmas

and in the night we'll wish this never ends

we'll wish this never ends

i miss you

(i miss you)

where are you?

and i'm so sorry

i cannot sleep

i cannot dream tonight

i need somebody and always

this 6 string's darkness

comes creeping on so haunting every time

and as i stared i counted

the webs from all the spiders

catching things and eating their insides

like indecision to call you

and hear your voice of treason

will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

stop this pain tonight

don't waste your time on me

you're already the voice inside my head (i miss you)

don't waste your time on me

you're already the voice inside my head (i miss you)

hmm, maybe this song are meant for you. cause i'll be missing you, as always. :)

backstabbed (?)

"there's a reason behind something happened. and something happen for a reason. "

yes it is right. and i do believe that. for what had happened to me last year. i found out the reason why. and now i have the explanation. for all those thing that had been lost in a moment. i heard the story, straight from you mouth. thanks to you. thanks, you want to explain it to me.


yesterday you told me about the events that befall us. and makes me understand about what had happened. it feel free you know. to know that it wasn't you who betrayed those old feelings. it has been proved by yourself. with your own feelings now, for me, it was never changed. and you also made me understand, who is friend and who is not. i feel like i was being (a bit) backstabbed by my old friend. one of a friend who is quite close to me, once. you said, she is the one that told you to hate me. the one that slander me. and put you in a hard situation. that's why, you left. and we became lost contact. but i understand. and it is okay now.


it becomes a lesson for both of us. you and i. it brings us into a more mature individual. and that's why i say, it is happen for a reason. and i never regretted it. for everything that ever happened to us. it was a nice story, i guess.

letter

dear, you...

i write this right now, just because anything about you is rushing on my mind. i don't know why, but it's happening, and nothing can't stop this thing.

do you know? i simply remember all the sweet things you ever said to me. and still remember how all these kind of feelings was mine. ever since we've met. i never knew before, that you're going to be the only one i think about when i feel left alone. i just know you as a friend from the same old school, years ago. never assume that you're handsome enough like any other said about you. admire you and become crazy when you're around them. i'm just standing and sitting away all by myself, like i didn't know you. deep down inside i admitted, after all..they were right.

i don't quite understand how it all began. but i won't deny it, that at the first time, i was trying to be close enough with you, to make all of my friend, which is your fans, jealous. hahaha. silly huh? yes it is, but it's true. each day, i went through my life to get to know you better than before. and then i felt something different. such a, like you? yup maybe. but i don't really realize it at first. and those feelings just grew, bigger. even before i could say it, my heart already admitted it. and my mind give me the same answer. i do like you at all.

after that, the only thing i know is, everything leads us to this feeling. the feelings that tell us, that we like each other. this is kinda absurd, but it is the truth. could be said, i never actually spoken to you before. but now you're becoming the only one that i would like to talk to.

but why? why did you do that to me? don't you ever realize that it was the hardest part of all. letting you go without explanation. seeing you gone with the wind, and left me with nothing. yes. you left. and i don't know how i should explain my feelings at that time. but most of all, all that i know is, it just hurts. much. more than you ever imagined. then, the next thing i know, i need to step back. release all the heartache. and smile. let you go and start to live without any reason to hold on to you. 

it's never been easy you know, go through days knowing that you will never texted me again after this. it is awkward. but i'm trying so hard to understand. day by day, month by month, and year change. i already move on and erase my feelings for you. but you know what? seeing you again, one more time, all the memories coming through my mind, rushing back through the pain, and all the following flashbacks hurt me again. and make me realize one thing. you know what is that? it is my feelings for you. it was never being removed, and it's all still here. stay in my heart. and i don't even know, what drives me to be closely with you as it once was.

and there we go. we texted to each other like we used to. get to know each other more than before. share stories about everything that gone by. then we do realize, you and i, we still have those old feelings. both of us understand now, you love me, your feelings, it was never gone away far from your heart, and me, i'm still here, waiting for you to come back.♥

sincerely,

me...

a fairytale

yesterday was a fairytale for me. haha not like TaySwift song, that said "today was a fairytale" but it was yesterday. 12 May 2012.


awalnya ini bukan rencana gw. bukan juga rencana yang bener-bener direncanain. gw awalnya cuma mau pergi nonton berdua sahabat gw, cowok. tapi malah akhirnya ngajak seseorang. ya orang itu dia. sahabatnya sahabat gw dan sekaligus "dia".


dari rencana yang cuma mau pergi bertiga, ya malah rame banget akhirnya. hari itu, kemarin, sabtu. gw pergi bertujuh bersama temen-temen sekolah. kita nonton avengers. dua dari tujuh, sahabat gw, cewek sama pacarnya. mereka udah kenal gw dan tau tentang sosok dia ini. juga sahabat cowok gw plus 1 orang lagi, yang notabene temen sd gw dan dia. sisanya mereka baru kenalan di tempat.


kita nunggu untuk berapa lama sampai kedatangan dia di pim dan film ditayangkan. gw duduk berempat, dia, gw, sahabat cewek gw dan pacarnya, dan 3 temen cowok gw lainnya 1 barisan di bawah kita berempat. haha konyol sih, udah kayak double date aja kesannya. tapi ya gt. gw duduk sebelahan sama dia. emang ini bukan kali pertama gw nonton sama dia. bahkan sebelumnya seperti yang pernah gw ceritain. gw cuma berdua. sekarang ramean, entah apa yang sebenernya gw rasain. lebih gugup iya, tapi lebih tenang juga iya.


masuk teater dan kita langsung duduk di kursi masing-masing. dia udah sangat menanti-nantikan nonton film ini. kepo parah. ya begitu juga dengan gw dan temen gw lainnya. walau sebenernya sahabat cowok gw ini udah nonton. alias mt wkwk. pas duduk gw santai aja. dengan senyuman iseng temen-temen yang natap gw dan dia. dengan ledekan-ledekan yang keluar dari mulut mereka. gw anggap angin semuanya. gw duduk dengan posisi lengan gw berada di atas lengan kursi. dan ternyata lagi-lagi gw bersentuhan dengan lengan dia. tapi anehnya kali ini dia gak menghindar. bahkan kami terus dalam posisi itu untuk beberapa lama. kita ngobrol-ngobrol sedikit dan kemudian film mulai. gw dan dia masih dalam posisi yang sama. lengan kita masih saling bersentuhan. dan gw ngerasain hal itu. tangannya gemeteran. walau sedikit tapi terasa. gw ngaku aja, gw deg-degan saat itu. sampai di satu saat jari dia meraih jari gw dengan perlahan dan ya. he holds my hand. saat itu juga gw rasanya melayang. haha lebay. tapi gw gak berani natap dia. gw ngerasa dia semakin mengeratkan pegangan tangannya. dan ya gw seakan gak mau ngelepasin. sampai akhirnya dia ngajak gw ngomong gw pun merespon sambil bertatap muka. entah kenapa, gw gak malu. bahkan kedua tangan itu masih bertautan. gw bersandar di pundaknya dan dia pun gak nunjukkin gesture menghindar. sampai akhirnya dia pun menidurkan kepalanya di atas kepala gw. gw seneng. dan gak ada bisa bener-bener ngeekspresiin perasaan gw saat itu. gw sadar, sahabat gw dan pacarnya ketawa-ketawa. mereka tersenyum penuh godaan. begitu pula dengan 2 teman sd gw itu, ngintip-ngintip ke atas. mereka nyaksiin kejadian itu. tapi dia gak ngelepasin pegangannya. bahkan dia menghilangkan ruang kosong di antara jemarinya. seusai film barulah gw melepaskan pegangan tangan itu.


gw jalan bareng yang lainnya. dan semua meninggalkan gw berdua sama dia di belakang. membiarkan gw dan dia sama-sama. sampai saatnya pulang. dia mau nebeng temen gw yang karena arah rumahnya sama. sampai di pintu lobby, dia inget gw masih belum dijemput dan dia mutusin buat nungguin gw. gw minta dia pulang aja. bukannya jaim atau sok-sokan malu-malu kucing. tapi gw gak enak sama dia. lagian biar sekalian sama yang lainnya juga. setelah berkali-kali ngeyakinin bahwa gw gapapa ditinggal, akhirnya dia bersama yang lain pulang. dan gw? gw masuk lagi ke pim dan beli starbucks. pas lagi bayar, tiba-tiba dia nelfon. gw angkat dan dia nanya gw di mana. dia nyamperin gw. gw heran. dan akhirnya gw nanya. dia bilang mobilnya gak muat dan akhirnya milih buat sekalian nungguin gw dijemput. kita jalan dan langsung nunggu gw dijemput bokap di lobby. tadinya gw ngajak dia nebeng gw, setidaknya setengah jalan. tapi dia nolak. dia gak enak. dan lebih milih pulang naik taksi. jadi yaudah. padahal bokap sampai nawarin dia juga, dia tetep bilang gak usah.


hari itu. jujur gw seneng dan gak tau harus gimana ngegambarin perasaan gw. nulis ini aja rasanya belom cukup. but truly, it was a gift, a great day, and an unforgettable moment with him. 

gw baca quotes ini di tumblr : "if you're lucky enough to get a second chance to something, don't waste it"

ya mungkin emang ini kesempatan buat gw. kesempatan kedua, setelah tahun lalu semua ini hilang. gw gak bakal nyianyiain kesempatan yang gw punya untuk gw lewatin bareng dia.

thankyou so much guys for yesterday! especially for you :D {}

he did remember

"do you remember the first time you tell me you 'like' me?"


"well, yeah..why?"


"when? haha"


"pas libur sekolah yaa"


"haha masih inget aja"

"do you still remember it?"


"yes :)"


"why you have the same feeling for me?"


"i don't know, i feel like it's comfortable to talk to you and it feels different like other guys, hbu?"


"same as you, i feel some kind of comfort when i'm having a conversation with you... you're so nice to me"


"well, thanks :)"


":)"

this stupid conversation. i just wrote the things that i remember. cause to copying from the real text, it was gone. so is my phone. with all of his chat history. :"). but it's okay. something happen for a reason huh? i believe that.

when my phone is lost, i told him by sms. from my friend's phone, and he replied. i tell him also via twitter and he replied me. he said he did send me a chat, and it's not delivered. and he just know why.
we continue it with texting.

hope this time it will last. :)