:)

there is a question that keep buzzing me lately, 'are we there already, at the end, when over is better than anything else?'

again i would say 'i hope not'.

but how can i hold on to this kind of relationship, when my heart is bearing, facing tears over and over again, and all i have done was let my pillow be wet at night.

we used to tell stories, share problems, figure it out together. TOGETHER. but now? i feel left alone.

i don't even care anymore to keep it all inside eventhough i know i am hurting myself more and more just to keep your heart safe, just to keep your smile in your face, just to see you happy.

can you see how i suffer? i hope you can't, cause if you knew you'll be broke baby and it will be hard for both of us.

again, i choose to hid it. it is wrong i know, but i guess you did all the same lately. and i feel stupid not to recognize that earlier. i just hope you don't repeat my mistakes cause it is hurting, more and more, every second.

remember the time when i fell asleep at night and i found a voicenote in the morning from you?
remember the time when we talk about everything till morning came?
remember the time when i can say straightly how i feel cause i know you would understand and yeah you did?
remember the time when you asked me if i'm okay just by reading my post here a minute after i posted it?

you seem to know what happened to me before i even told you, you seem to know how to make me happy with those little things.
where those things gone dear?

now i remember how recently i sent you a voicenote and i didn't get any reply.
now i remember how we argued through the night and ended up ignoring each other.
now i remember how i am getting used to hide my feelings and saying 'i am okay' when i am not.
now i remember how i realize you haven't check my blog for a while, and you seem like you do not care to read it again.

that is what happening now. that is what going on between us now.
and that is not how it supposed to be.

can we fix this or over is better? :)

a little note for you, boy

there is only one thing i want you to do.

it's quite easy, if you make it easy.
it's hard. i know it is, but you can choose not to make it hard.

i just want you to never give up on me.

when i push you away, please pull me back. pull me closer to you.
when i shout at you, cause you know i'm so angry. and i can't help it myself,
please hug me tightly. so tight 'till i can never loose myself from your arm.

when i don't answer your calls, don't read your chats, or else in between,
please come, visit me at my home. make sure to yourself that i am okay.
when i get overly clingy or just sometimes doubt myself that i can be with you forever,
please assure me that i am you only one. and will always be your one and only girl.

when i feel insecure, sad, and the tears won't stop running through my cheeks,
'till i can hardly breath, please remind me how blessed i am.
remind me that everything is going to be okay, eventually.
remind me that i have your shoulder to lean on.
i have you to put my smile back on my face.

when i'm about to give up on you and run away from you,
please kiss me. hug me. whisper to me in my ears those three words.
just show me why i shouldn't.

i know maybe this is too much to ask
but still, i only as for one.
i am hoping that you love me enough to do this.
to stay. to stand still. to be there beside me through whatever.
to be a little more patient.

p.s.
i do the same for you, boy.

i'm done with tears.

-tobias eaton, allegiant-

to you, again

home alone.

you break down.

letting out everything.

crying as loud as you can.

your family come home.

and here you go.

fake smile, fake laugh.

pretend everything is ok.

they don't suspect a thing.

they don't suspect their child is broken and falling apart.

-weheartit

20.12.2013

to you

ada rindu yang aku jaga untukmu.

- M. Emka 

(via @felitadig)

ada rindu yang memang tersimpan. terjaga rapat hanya untuk menunggu didekap temu.

aku rindu. di saat-saat aku tak mendengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat mentari berganti rembulan, namun masih tak dengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat semua bahagia, nyatanya hanyalah semu.
aku rindu. di saat bersua terhalang jarak.
aku rindu. kamu.

ada sepenggal kata-kata. terkunci di ujung bibir dan kemudian tertelan kembali. malu untuk terucap.

kata itu. seperti memori yang mengiang tanpa henti di alam mimpi.
kata itu. seperti bising yang tak hilang dari ruas jalan.
kata itu. seperti dengungan lebah di sebelah telinga.
kata itu. seperti isyarat 3 kata.
kata itu. tentang kamu.

ada sisa-sisa tangis. tersamar tawa, terbuang kisah, lalu terserak oleh kenangan.

tangis. yang dulu jatuh seperti tetes hujan. yang kini mengering seperti di bawah mentari musim panas.

tawa. yang dulu hanya kerlingan belaka. yang kini hadir tiap aku menatap dua bola matamu.

kisah. yang dulu berlalu seakan detik dalam jam itu tak berfungsi. yang kini ada dan terbalut kata kamu.

kenangan. yang dulu pahit terasa. yang kini manis terukir, perlahan.

kamu. yang dulu hanya rupa tak terjangkau. yang kini hangat terasa, tersimpan sepanjang detak jantungku.

salam,

aku.

filosofi sungai

a journey to reach the end of 2013 is almost done.

udah kurang lebih sembilan bulan yaa 2013 terlewati, i mean, that's honestly so fast.
kayanya baru aja gw ulang tahun di awal tahun. HEHE.
kayanya baru aja kelas duabelas sibuk ujian dan gw masih bersantai-santai dengan status kelas sebelas.
tau-tau gw udah menjalani 3 bulan penderitaan jadi siswa senior di SMA. mau mati yea.
lelah woy, pengen balik lagi gitu rasanya ke awal kelas 10. masih bloon-bloon gimana gitu ngejalanin masa-masa bahagia di bangku sekolah.
tapi yaa namanya hidup, gak mungkin juga kita stuck di satu tahap kan?

udah berapa lama gak ngobrol dengan hati...itu yang membuat kangen nulis hehehe.

jadi ceritanya apa yaa...
hmm bingung sih, but i'll tell you this deh..

between times and distance

karena, hanya waktu yang mampu menyembuhkan dan hanya jarak yang dapat merapuhkan hati. 

-a friend

ada yang pernah bilang kalau hati itu akan selamanya menyimpan luka. tapi itu salah. bagiku semua ada waktunya untuk berubah. semua ada waktunya untuk kembali. kembali ke masa-masa yang seperti kau harapkan. ke masa-masa yang dulu kamu bilang indah itu. atau bahkan membawa kamu mengarungi hari-hari baru dengan tawa dan senyum baru. melupakan apa yang telah lalu.

ada yang pernah bilang kalau jarak tak menghalangi. tapi itu salah. jarak memang menjauhkan yang begitu dekat di hati. dan tak jarang mereka yang terbelenggu keraguan akan hilang ditelan kekejaman kata jauh. kamu mungkin berjuang, tapi bagaimana kalau hanya kamu yang berjuang.

bagaimana?

kontradiksi.

aku bisa mengatakan yang di atas, tapi juga yang tertulis di bawah ini.

waktu memang menyembuhkan. tapi jika hati memilih untuk tidak lupa, ia akan selamanya tidak lupa.

waktu memang bisa menghapus duka dan menghapus memori yang menyisakan tangis di matamu, tetapi selama akal sehatmu masih ada kisah lama akan selalu ada. diam. menunggu ditegur kembali oleh waktu dalam ingatan.

jarak memang melukai. jarak memang memusuhi. tapi kalau kamu percaya semua ada jalannya, jarak kan menjadi perjalanan penuh petualangan bagi hatimu. bagi mimpimu. bagi kamu. jarak akan mempertemukan. jaraklah yang mampu menuai rindu, memupuk semua yang teredam oleh ego. dan bila hatimu percaya, bagi hati manapun tak pernah menyisakan luka.

bagaimana?

kamu yang memilih jalan hatimu.

untuk dibekukan oleh waktu dan menunggu dicairkan jarak.

atau justru berkelana bersama waktu menempuh segala jarak yang pernah ada.

it is as simple as this.

a kiss on the forehead

if his first kiss was on your forehead, he's a keeper -tumblr

i might have been dreaming that one day i'd have someone whom i love so much, and now i have you.

the one who can listen to all my distress. the one who would sit next to me just to make me know that you're there when i needed you. the one who is patiently waiting for me to reply your text, even though you knew i had been asleep. the one who encourage me when i'm drowning in my misery. the one who would be able to make me smile, every time i felt like i loss everything. the one who accepted all my flaws and my weaknesses. the one who is staring intently into my eyes where i could see the happiness.   the one who gave me a hug, tightly like you would never letting it go. the one who kissed me on my forehead, just to show me how much you really care about me.

i might have been dreaming, but now i found myself would rather be in the real world, cause now i have you.

your own imaginary

imagine you're in a place. silent. alone.

it does have corners, but you're not drowning in a darkness. so you don't need to be afraid. you're just squared there, inside. locked out.

once again, you're just in a place.

you hear something. but, just ignore where is it from. you hear another thing. it sounds softly. rushing through your ears. connect to your brain. but all you have to do is stay constant.

a drop of rain, knock-knock the glasses of your window. you know that, you listen to it clearly. but do you realize, that there's also something hit your floor. the land, where you're sitting on, right now. it's your teardrops.

a cold wind, pierced up into your ribs, your bones. reminds you about something.a thing that is haunting you, now. a thing that you forced to forget. another heartbreaks. another agony. another memories. you know, you're suffering.

a dim light, brighten your empty space. let your eyes capture shadows you don't want to see. a picture from your own flashbacks. make you wonder why you really need to remember that stuff. all of it. make you think about yourself, sitting there all by yourself. alone and lonely. you just don't understand, that actually you can't hold any of your sadness. anymore.

an old photograph, which is standing there with its frame. staring straight to your heart. the one that rearranged from every pieces that broke down. few moments ago. enters your soul and push you to relive the taste of the bitterness, you once knew. previously.

once again, you're just in a place. a room. with memories.

but remember, you're just imagined it. a dream maybe, sweet one or a nightmare?

untuk yang bertambah usia

hey,
kamu yang baru saja melewati hari ini dengan usia yang baru saja berganti..

entah sebenarnya apa yang ingin aku tuliskan di sini. harapanku untukmu sudah terucap, hampir semuanya. semoga ini, semoga itu. sudah ku katakan tadi, bahkan lebih dari satu kali.

well, kamu sendiri tahu kan, 17, umur yang secara umum dikatakan sudah dewasa. untuk itu aku berharap menjadi pribadi yang semakin dewasa, terutama dalam berpikir dan bertindak. menjadi pribadi yang bisa mengatur ego, memandang lebih luas suatu masalah/persoalan, dan menghadapi segalanya dengan lebih bijak. seperti yang berulang kali kamu katakan sendiri kepadaku, berprinsip dewasa. :)

aku berharap kamu tetap menjadi kamu. yang aku yakin, akan semakin menjadi lebih baik dari sebelum-sebelumnya. tetap menjadi anak yang dibanggakan kedua orang tuanya, dan seluruh keluarganya. seseorang yang disayang serta dihargai semua teman dan sahabatnya.

hari ini, SURPRISE! bahagiakah kamu? kurasa aku tahu jawabannya, tanpa perlu mendengarnya dari mulutmu. dengan penuh tawa dan senyum yang terukir jelas di wajahmu, cukup. mamamu yang membantu mengatur semuanya, terima kasih yaa untuk mama. sampaikan juga salamku untuk papamu. hari ini, aku senang bisa melihatmu lagi. dan aku berharap, harapanmu pada dirimu sendiri yang terucap subuh tadi bisa terwujud. demi kamu sendiri.

untuk itu, aku ucapkan sekali lagi :

"selamat memulai lembaran tahunmu yang ke-tujuh belas, aditya."

love,
dis

rasa

mungkin kita terlalu sering bermain dengan rasa. bermain serius. bermain-main. atau hanya untuk mempermainkannya. namun saat rasa itu mengikat. entah mengapa, sebahagia apapun itu justru akan semakin menyesakkan. entah mengapa, seindah apapun itu menyatu tapi akan semakin menerkam dengan kepedihan.

sejak itu aku sadar. terlalu sering aku terlibat. dalam permainan rasa dalam asa. terlalu sering aku menduga. rasa apalagi yang akan muncul dalam benakku. meracun bersama rasamu. hingga saatnya sudah bercampur. aku tak lagi bisa membedakan. apa yang kamu rasa sesaknya seperti yang menimpaku. apa yang aku rasa sama meragukannya dengan yang membayang di hadapmu.

mereka berkata, 'jangan. jangan lagi bermain dengan rasa.' ah, andai saja ku bisa. namun ini cinta. tak mungkin tanpa rasa. tak mungkin tidak bermain. karena ada rasa. maka cinta ada. karena ada rasa. maka aku merasa. bahwa aku dan kamu sama-sama tidak dipermainkan. tetapi melantunkannya bersamaan. dengan melodi yang menusuk telinga.

ingat yang ku katakan. saat rasa itu mengikat, hati akan semakin meluka. itu rasa. percaya atau tidak. berdusta atau sebaliknya. kamu pernah merasakannya.

untukmu

"aku heran, sebersit senyummu

bisa memecah rindu sekeras itu di dadaku.

aku heran, pekik tawamu

bisa membuatku menyeberangi waktu demi waktu.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa semua ketenangan

dan kebahagiaan mewujud kamu.

aku heran, bagaimana kamu selalu tersebut

dalam doa dan menunggu diamini waktu.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa kamu tertinggal di diriku.

aku heran, bagaimana bisa dengan sejentik waktu.

pusaran matamu menenggelamkanku.

aku heran, bagaimana aku dengan mudahnya mencintaimu.

sepertinya itu bukan keheranan, jika aku terlahir

untuk menunggu dan lalu menemani kamu.

sepanjang waktu."

- sadgenic - chapter 1 "Kotak Surat dan Kamu", page 66 -

bagus ya? bagus banget menurut gw. entah bagaimana, semua yang tertulis itu menggambarkan perasaan yang gak pernah bisa gw sampaikan ke dia. sejak dulu, sejak mengenalnya. persis sama.

2012. :)

"a dream is a wish your heart makes...in dream you will loose your heartache"

-a dream is a wish your heart makes (cinderella)-

tahun ini, 2012 aku belajar banyak mengenai mimpi, cita-cita, persahabatan, keluarga, persaudaraan, cinta dan hidup. 

aku cuma manusia lemah. memang, hanya saja aku tidak menyadari. bahwa banyak di sekitarku yang bisa dijadikan kekuatan untuk bertahan dalam setiap luka. dan mereka semua tidak pernah hilang, hanya saja bersembunyi dalam diam. sekalipun memang ada dari mereka, sahabat, teman, kekasih, bahkan keluarga sekalipun hilang dan pergi, berlalu dan tak kembali. tapi yang harus kamu ingat, life must go on. dan aku sampaikan, Tuhan selalu ada. di saat mereka tidak ada.

tahun ini, terlalu banyak kisah yang aku lalui. mungkin sekilas bisa ku bagikan.

teringat di awal tahun, ulang tahunku yang ke-enam belas. telur, tepung, saus kacang, cendol, pasir. cupcakes, patrick star, dan semua yang membuat hari itu menjadi istimewa. thanks to my brother, my best friends, and my family.

lalu saat-saat penuh kegembiraan tawa dan canda. bersama kelasku, sepuluh dua. dufan. seharian. basah-basahan. lari-larian. dan langit senja. really miss that moment.

bertemu kangen dengan teman lama. sahabat lama. teman sepermainan sewaktu aku kecil dan menghadirkan kembali kisah-kisah lama. keluguan. kepolosan. tingkah anak kecil. a reunion with #15.

kenaikan kelas. menegangkan. kembali beradaptasi dengan sekumpulan orang-orang baru dengan berbeda-beda kepribadiannya. welcoming my new fam, XIA3.

kehilangan seseorang yang berarti dalam keluargaku. sosok yang bijaksana. sosok yang rendah hati. dan dicintai semua orang yang pernah mengenalnya. i've missed you so much, grandpa.

bersibuk-sibuk ria dengan segala macam kegiatan lustrum. membuat ku sedikit melupakan pentingnya belajar haha. melelahkan, teramat sangat. namun mengesankan. knowing the guys from the jesuit school.

menjadi seorang mentor. mengemban tugas yang sama sekali tidak mudah sebenarnya. tetapi sangat menyenangkan. jambore with asgard.

and last but not least. seorang yang mungkin sudah terlalu lama melewati waktu bersama. dan membuatku kembali percaya pada kata cinta. him.

tahun depan, 2013. aku hanya berharap semuanya akan lebih baik. akan lebih indah. dan akan lebih bermakna. lebih membuatku tersenyum. lebih membuatku melupakan kepedihan. lebih berharga. dan aku menyimpan mimpi-mimpi yang lebih banyak lagi. semoga menjadi kenyataan. o:)

dan ini video untuk membuatmu menyadari bahwa semuanya itu mungkin. simpan mimpimu selalu dalam hatimu.

setelah jauh waktu berjalan

"aku punya langit cinta yang siap menghujanimu, tetapi kau malah merasa ada di atas awan. sayang, sambil kau acuh dan mengabaikan hadirnya aku di sini, maukah sebentar saja kau menoleh ke arahku untuk melihat betapa aku bodoh sekali?

aku tidak mengerti dan jadi lebih banyak bilang mengapa. terkadang entah, terkadang ya sudah. sekarang apa maumu? melihatku menangis menjerit-jerit tetapi sambil memberimu tepuk tangan? karena kau hebat, sayang. hebat. sadarilah tentang betapa hebatnya kau bersandiwara hingga aku jadi bahagia setengah mati!

kini ketulusanku telah kalah oleh kerinduanmu akan kesendirian. kau tidak jatuh cinta padaku, kau hanya jatuh cinta pada saat-saat yang indah bersamaku. setelah jauh waktu berjalan, berkali-kali siang berganti malam, ternyata aku hanya sesuatu, tetapi bukan siapa-siapa. aku bukan pujaan untukmu menantang apapun demi aku. aku hanya incaran bagi kau yang rupawan dan kebetulan suka tantangan."

dear zarry's - chapter 2 "Anak-Anak Tangga", page 65

i'm fine

"i'm dying"

"you're not dying, you're just hurt"

"why is it has to be this hurt?"

"it's because you're a human"

it just lines from a film. and it's true.

don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called pain.
don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called love.

it brings you to broken hearted. leave your heart shattered. into pieces.
it brings you to suffering. misery that continuously hit you.
it brings you to lies. many lies. even until you cannot tell, which is right and wrong.
it brings you to fight. fight your own heart. fight your own dignity.
disagreement between heart and mind. takes you on a never-ending madness. rebelled, as if they had never be in line. leave you with all the doubts that are present in your life.
until the end of the day, all you want to do is commit a suicide.

but actually, you just want to be free from your agony.
you just want to feel the happiness of love.
you're just tired of faking smiles. you're just weary lying to yourself.
you just want them to know exactly what your feeling is.
you want to stop acting like you're okay.
you want to make them understand that sometimes you feel lonely.
like no one cares. like nobody notices.

you feel like you're screaming. but all you can hear is silent.
you feel like you're a mess. when actually you just hurt.
you fall apart. you fall too hard. 'till you can't climb back to the top. and say you're just fine.
you keep hiding at the corner. even if your eyes are not able to stem the tears again. you will wipe away the teardrops. and again, let go all of the stress.

they just don't know what you've been through.
they just don't know that you're dying inside.
but you're still living.
'cause of the great pain that you feel this whole time.
prove you, that you're alive. that you are a human.

key to relaiontship

"seven keys to a great relationship : friendship, love, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding, and communication" -@damnitstrue

thinking about relationship these days, it seems like it's easily broken. but actually why? can it be fixed? of course it can. and these are (maybe) the keys to build a successful relationship.

friendship

well, of course, first of all it's friendship. to build a relationship, it always start with being friends with each other. the cycle, turns from strangers, friends, and sometimes it ends as bestfriends. from being friend with each other, we make our self understand others attitude, their daily life, their activities, their emotion, their favorite movies, songs, their hobbies, and any other things you need to know. when you want it to be more than friend. yes indeed, a couple. they both need to know each other well enough. and the main thing is, as a friend, you have to be there when they needed you. be there any time.

love

hah. this one. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. right? of course you silly. if there's no love in each others feelings, how can you start to build a relationship? after all, it's all begin with this four letters word. L. O. V. E. love can bring joys, happiness, sadness, tears, cheers, laughs, broken heart and anything else. but first you feel it yourself. you know you can't deny it. you know you can't lie to it. to yourself. but if it's bring you into a relationship. when you both started to be a couple. efforts means everything to bring the love up. you have to 'push' and 'force' yourself not to make this one fading. don't stop chasing. don't stop trying. 'cause love will be worth it, after all.

freedom

here we go with freedom. do you like to be free? or you just want yourself to be captured and locked with your partners? no way. surely, you need this one. giving a space to your boyfriend or girlfriend is a must. 'cause sometimes, not all their times are ours. and vice versa, is not it? so, when they need their own time to be free with their friends, families, or they need spare time to do their own hobbies or activities, just let them. let go of your ego. and just give them what they needed at a time. 

honesty

this thing? one of the thing that usually broke your relationship if you don't have it. honesty and truth. two important things that cannot be separated. it's a must and it's all you need to build a nice relationship. do not ever lie to your partner, if you don't want to be hurt. just tell them the truth of all the things that happen between you both. everything that she/he doesn't know about you. even it is your past. your worst memories and nightmares. your feelings. your thoughts. your doubts. and everything that connected to you and your partner. just be honest about it.

trust

 have it. just have it. in your heart, in your life, in your feeling, in your relationship. trust is the kind of thing that can bring you to be a mature person. by giving them this key, you create your own happiness. after you giving them space, all you have to do is just believe in them. you will not easily worried about them. trust them that they won't break all of their promises. and never break your heart. in the other side, you have to keep the trust they give to you. keep your promises and your heart for them. 'cause once it broken, it will never be the same anymore.

understanding
ah ya. this one is also a key that brings you to have a nice relationship. a calm one. and a special one. she/he will remember your kindness and your sweetness if you did that in your relationship. you should and you must to understand them. by understanding their life, their situation, their condition, and their freedom, you ease yourself in the relationship. you just have to understand. and you won't make mistake and will avoid from small fights. both of you will create relationships that are easy to live, eventually.

communication
last but not least. as important as the other key. if you don't have it, well i guess it will be the end of your relationship. commonly, this will be the important benchmark from the beginning to the end of the relation. you start by talking to each other. say hello. get to know each other more and more. do the conversation by sending messages. texting or chatting. growing into an intensive phone calls. meet each other just to catch up what's going on with life. share stories. share feelings. share secrets. but when it's stop? you know how it ends. and all that happens and anything that you want, it takes only one. ie, comunicate with each other. so that won't be any misunderstandings in a relationship. between the two of you. but these days, don't let this thing comes true, 'cause what ever happen you have to face a real world. we don't live in a virtual world. like it once said, "relationships are harder now, because conversation becomes texting, argument becomes phone calls, and feeling becomes status messages" -damnitstrue.

so think about those keys. and try hard to make your relationship going well. 'cause to build a great relationship, you know it yourself. it is never easy.

should i hold on?

still confuse? yes, i am. i don't know how to say this, but it is complicated. too hard for me to take, to hard for me to play with this feeling. it hurts, much more than you ever thought. maybe you can say, "yaudah tunggu ajalah dis". as easy like that? no, it's not. it is waaaaaaaay harder than that. cause when you're in my position, i bet you will think and act the way i did these whole time.

like this week, 4 days of 7. it just............ugh. can't describe. happy? yes. but it just like that. and one time, that should be a special moment, just disappear like a wind blew away. because i can't meet him up. i can't see his face, those eyes, and those smiles. and what makes me harder to accept the truth, is that this thing, happened twice. like last year. :")

well, as usual, all i can do is just writing on a piece of paper, or using notes app in my phone, doodling your name, and wondering all of the what-if(s).

"kadang bertahan itu menyakitkan...

kadang bertahan itu luka...

pedih, menyeruak dari lubuk hati terdalam

bahkan suaraku tenggelam di dalamnya

membisu, hingga hati berdusta lagi

menangis, hingga tiada henti mengalir

menuruni lekuk wajah yang dirundung duka

menyusurinya bersama hening

aku hanya diam.. tak mampu bertindak

aku menjadi pasif.. tak mampu mengungkap

sakit ini terus menggema

membuatku menjadi tuli akan teriaknya..

lagi lagi aku melangkah mundur..

membiarkan diri hanyut

terbawa pergi oleh arusnya dalam luka"

smiles

do i run out a smile?

i thought it will be easy as it seems. like most of people said. but don't you guys get it? it was never easy. it is not easy. some of them said, maybe i just need to wait. but the question is, 'till when? 'till i'm tired enough? or up to a point, where i could no longer move on. and in the end, waiting will be the only way.

if only i can say that i want to end this thing up. but my heart won't let me. and 'till now, all i know is, my feeling for him was never fading. yes it was never. but it always took me to a doubt. doubt to go on with this feeling. and now i'm not sure enough with myself. do i pretend? i hope not. 'cause even it hurts, much more than you know, i'm still here. standing here alone and wait for you. anything about you. waiting for you to text me (first). waiting to see you every weekend. waiting to hear your voice again. waiting for your hand holding mine. waiting for you.

i guess you will never understand how long it took me to stay strong. to stay up at night, just to have a conversation with you. even if we talk about absolutely.....nothing. to hold on to this kind of feeling, missing you every second. even i know, we're nothing. but i'm drowning in this feeling. and seems like i cannot swim back to the surface and let this go. i should've known, that it will never be easy. for you and for me.

but do you see my eyes? they won't lie. and all of my tears are hiding behind these. ready to fall down and waiting to be wipe out from my face. and here i am now. waiting for you, waiting to have another smile. because of you.