do i get hurt?

"what if you come up to a point when no one understand? will you hold on to yourself?"

i'm actually confused. i just can't tell myself what is going on and what is wrong with me. it just, there's something mixed up in my mind and driving me like crazy. i feel lost. and kinda insane. i keep lying to myself saying 'i'm okay" when i'm actually not.

i don't know what is really happening right now. but it felt like a lump in my heart and i don't know what it is. certainly, it keeps hurting me. i feel like haunted every time. by this feeling. i wanna cry. i just want to. but i can't. i always ended up holding it back. blink back my eyes so the tears won't fall. not even a drop. but i know that deep down inside i'm crying out loud and screaming. but you know what hurt me more? to realize that no one here to listen. no one here to understand. cause i can't even understand what is wrong in me. i can't tell my self what is up. i keep smiling. and say i'm fine. i keep walking and listening to happy songs. but it didn't help me change my mood. and in the end, i break my on walls. my heart keeps shattering myself. and all i can do is just hide myself under the pillow. and let it be wet with every teardrops that come out from my eyes. i'll fell asleep after that and let go. when i wake up, i want this thing go away. but it choose to stay. and i keep asking myself, why it choose to stay? what is wrong? why can't i let myself be free from this heartache? why can't i release? :(

i'm tired. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of faking smiles. i'm tired to felt this way. i'm tired of holding back. i'm tired to hear others when they can't even hear mine. i'm tired to be alone and feeling lonely. i hope i'm just tired. not hurt.