5 Sep

Hari ini, ada tetes air mata. Entah karena apa aku tidak mampu menafsirkannya. Hanya ada abu-abu, tidak lagi hitam atau putih. Yaa, memang karena manusia akan selalu abu-abu.

Ada rasa lelah yang entah mengapa menggerogoti seluruh tubuhku hingga ke dalam rusuk-rusuknya.

Ada rasa sakit yang entah mengapa membuat ku tak mampu lg berdiri tegak.

Ada rasa kantuk yang seolah-olah membunuhku ke alam mimpi yang gelap tanpa terang sedikit pun.

Ada rasa sedih yang perlahan tapi pasti akan membuat aku menyentuh titik kehancuran.

Ada rasa yang tak bisa digambarkan. Yang pasti aku sedang di titik melankoli memuncak tak terkendali. Ada cerita dan kisah yang tak pernah pergi dan memilih untuk tetap tinggal, sekalipun banyak yang membuat aku ingin membuang memori itu, tapi ia enggan. Memilih dan memaksa untuk tetap berada di sana. Di tempat kenyamanannya yang menyakitkan. Teramat sangat.

Maka mungkin memang benar, if there's something that stays on your mind, maybe it's supposed to be there.

dedicated to #25

3 tahun sudah, kita t'lah lewati.
masa-masa yang indah penuh warna
dan juga canda ceria.
akankah kita temui kebahagiaan seperti ini nanti?
selamat tinggal.
semoga kau dan aku
akan jadikan ini sebagai satu kisah
yang manis dan kan terus dikenang.

-vidi aldiano | kisah kita

bipolar.

"so 

happy

one 

second.

incredibly

depressed

the

next."
 

a little note for you, boy

there is only one thing i want you to do.

it's quite easy, if you make it easy.
it's hard. i know it is, but you can choose not to make it hard.

i just want you to never give up on me.

when i push you away, please pull me back. pull me closer to you.
when i shout at you, cause you know i'm so angry. and i can't help it myself,
please hug me tightly. so tight 'till i can never loose myself from your arm.

when i don't answer your calls, don't read your chats, or else in between,
please come, visit me at my home. make sure to yourself that i am okay.
when i get overly clingy or just sometimes doubt myself that i can be with you forever,
please assure me that i am you only one. and will always be your one and only girl.

when i feel insecure, sad, and the tears won't stop running through my cheeks,
'till i can hardly breath, please remind me how blessed i am.
remind me that everything is going to be okay, eventually.
remind me that i have your shoulder to lean on.
i have you to put my smile back on my face.

when i'm about to give up on you and run away from you,
please kiss me. hug me. whisper to me in my ears those three words.
just show me why i shouldn't.

i know maybe this is too much to ask
but still, i only as for one.
i am hoping that you love me enough to do this.
to stay. to stand still. to be there beside me through whatever.
to be a little more patient.

p.s.
i do the same for you, boy.

i'm done with tears.

-tobias eaton, allegiant-

and yes

and yes, it did change everything.

from lost to love.

from far to close.

from dream to reality.

from you, unreachable.

from you, so frustrating.

from you, who i adore.

now, for once, for-ever.

mine.

another surprise from this guys, thankful to have you all..

"apa yang pernah dibangun tidak akan runtuh begitu saja karena fondasi yang kuat"

semoga tetep kompak begini yaa... :D

"the worst kind of pain is when you're smiling just to stop the tears from falling..."

'what if he plays a song for other girl and takes a picture of her?'

- her.

to you

ada rindu yang aku jaga untukmu.

- M. Emka 

(via @felitadig)

ada rindu yang memang tersimpan. terjaga rapat hanya untuk menunggu didekap temu.

aku rindu. di saat-saat aku tak mendengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat mentari berganti rembulan, namun masih tak dengar namamu.
aku rindu. di saat semua bahagia, nyatanya hanyalah semu.
aku rindu. di saat bersua terhalang jarak.
aku rindu. kamu.

ada sepenggal kata-kata. terkunci di ujung bibir dan kemudian tertelan kembali. malu untuk terucap.

kata itu. seperti memori yang mengiang tanpa henti di alam mimpi.
kata itu. seperti bising yang tak hilang dari ruas jalan.
kata itu. seperti dengungan lebah di sebelah telinga.
kata itu. seperti isyarat 3 kata.
kata itu. tentang kamu.

ada sisa-sisa tangis. tersamar tawa, terbuang kisah, lalu terserak oleh kenangan.

tangis. yang dulu jatuh seperti tetes hujan. yang kini mengering seperti di bawah mentari musim panas.

tawa. yang dulu hanya kerlingan belaka. yang kini hadir tiap aku menatap dua bola matamu.

kisah. yang dulu berlalu seakan detik dalam jam itu tak berfungsi. yang kini ada dan terbalut kata kamu.

kenangan. yang dulu pahit terasa. yang kini manis terukir, perlahan.

kamu. yang dulu hanya rupa tak terjangkau. yang kini hangat terasa, tersimpan sepanjang detak jantungku.

salam,

aku.

filosofi sungai

a journey to reach the end of 2013 is almost done.

udah kurang lebih sembilan bulan yaa 2013 terlewati, i mean, that's honestly so fast.
kayanya baru aja gw ulang tahun di awal tahun. HEHE.
kayanya baru aja kelas duabelas sibuk ujian dan gw masih bersantai-santai dengan status kelas sebelas.
tau-tau gw udah menjalani 3 bulan penderitaan jadi siswa senior di SMA. mau mati yea.
lelah woy, pengen balik lagi gitu rasanya ke awal kelas 10. masih bloon-bloon gimana gitu ngejalanin masa-masa bahagia di bangku sekolah.
tapi yaa namanya hidup, gak mungkin juga kita stuck di satu tahap kan?

udah berapa lama gak ngobrol dengan hati...itu yang membuat kangen nulis hehehe.

jadi ceritanya apa yaa...
hmm bingung sih, but i'll tell you this deh..

between times and distance

karena, hanya waktu yang mampu menyembuhkan dan hanya jarak yang dapat merapuhkan hati. 

-a friend

ada yang pernah bilang kalau hati itu akan selamanya menyimpan luka. tapi itu salah. bagiku semua ada waktunya untuk berubah. semua ada waktunya untuk kembali. kembali ke masa-masa yang seperti kau harapkan. ke masa-masa yang dulu kamu bilang indah itu. atau bahkan membawa kamu mengarungi hari-hari baru dengan tawa dan senyum baru. melupakan apa yang telah lalu.

ada yang pernah bilang kalau jarak tak menghalangi. tapi itu salah. jarak memang menjauhkan yang begitu dekat di hati. dan tak jarang mereka yang terbelenggu keraguan akan hilang ditelan kekejaman kata jauh. kamu mungkin berjuang, tapi bagaimana kalau hanya kamu yang berjuang.

bagaimana?

kontradiksi.

aku bisa mengatakan yang di atas, tapi juga yang tertulis di bawah ini.

waktu memang menyembuhkan. tapi jika hati memilih untuk tidak lupa, ia akan selamanya tidak lupa.

waktu memang bisa menghapus duka dan menghapus memori yang menyisakan tangis di matamu, tetapi selama akal sehatmu masih ada kisah lama akan selalu ada. diam. menunggu ditegur kembali oleh waktu dalam ingatan.

jarak memang melukai. jarak memang memusuhi. tapi kalau kamu percaya semua ada jalannya, jarak kan menjadi perjalanan penuh petualangan bagi hatimu. bagi mimpimu. bagi kamu. jarak akan mempertemukan. jaraklah yang mampu menuai rindu, memupuk semua yang teredam oleh ego. dan bila hatimu percaya, bagi hati manapun tak pernah menyisakan luka.

bagaimana?

kamu yang memilih jalan hatimu.

untuk dibekukan oleh waktu dan menunggu dicairkan jarak.

atau justru berkelana bersama waktu menempuh segala jarak yang pernah ada.

a kiss on the forehead

if his first kiss was on your forehead, he's a keeper -tumblr

i might have been dreaming that one day i'd have someone whom i love so much, and now i have you.

the one who can listen to all my distress. the one who would sit next to me just to make me know that you're there when i needed you. the one who is patiently waiting for me to reply your text, even though you knew i had been asleep. the one who encourage me when i'm drowning in my misery. the one who would be able to make me smile, every time i felt like i loss everything. the one who accepted all my flaws and my weaknesses. the one who is staring intently into my eyes where i could see the happiness.   the one who gave me a hug, tightly like you would never letting it go. the one who kissed me on my forehead, just to show me how much you really care about me.

i might have been dreaming, but now i found myself would rather be in the real world, cause now i have you.

yang mereka bilang teman

lebih sakit ini loh dibanding putus cinta. lagi-lagi aku harus berkata seperti itu.

teman ternyata tiang penguat segala kerapuhan, lebih dari yang kamu sadari.

memang ada keluarga, tapi mereka juga pernah bilang, 'sahabat dan temanmu, saudara yang terpisah jauh sekian tahun'. itu artinya mereka juga keluarga kan? tapi masa iya memperlakukan keluarganya seperti itu?

teman ada buat jadi pendengar yang baik, tetapi kadang kita sendiri yang dibutakan oleh apa yang mereka dengar.
teman menjadi sandaran kala tidak ada yang menopang, namun kadang kita lupa untuk memopong tubuh sendiri.

ternyata sesakit itu.
menyadari bahwa ada yang diinjak-injak atas nama pertemanan.
menyadari bahwa ada kepalsuan dari tiap sorotan matanya.
menyadari bahwa ada dusta nestapa di tiap perkataannya yang menenangkan.
semua itu tipu muslihat. seperti bermain dengan sebilah pedang.

maka dari itu, pertemanan mungkin juga begitu.

keras ya kehidupan?
ketika menyadari mereka hilang dan menjadi duri dalam dagingmu, musuh dalam selimut di nina bobomu.

"mereka mengenal aku bukan sebagai aku.

mereka mengenal aku dari mereka.

dan mereka mengenal aku dengan kebencian."

- catatan kecil seorang yang mengenal seorang 'teman' 

do i get hurt?

"what if you come up to a point when no one understand? will you hold on to yourself?"

i'm actually confused. i just can't tell myself what is going on and what is wrong with me. it just, there's something mixed up in my mind and driving me like crazy. i feel lost. and kinda insane. i keep lying to myself saying 'i'm okay" when i'm actually not.

i don't know what is really happening right now. but it felt like a lump in my heart and i don't know what it is. certainly, it keeps hurting me. i feel like haunted every time. by this feeling. i wanna cry. i just want to. but i can't. i always ended up holding it back. blink back my eyes so the tears won't fall. not even a drop. but i know that deep down inside i'm crying out loud and screaming. but you know what hurt me more? to realize that no one here to listen. no one here to understand. cause i can't even understand what is wrong in me. i can't tell my self what is up. i keep smiling. and say i'm fine. i keep walking and listening to happy songs. but it didn't help me change my mood. and in the end, i break my on walls. my heart keeps shattering myself. and all i can do is just hide myself under the pillow. and let it be wet with every teardrops that come out from my eyes. i'll fell asleep after that and let go. when i wake up, i want this thing go away. but it choose to stay. and i keep asking myself, why it choose to stay? what is wrong? why can't i let myself be free from this heartache? why can't i release? :(

i'm tired. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of faking smiles. i'm tired to felt this way. i'm tired of holding back. i'm tired to hear others when they can't even hear mine. i'm tired to be alone and feeling lonely. i hope i'm just tired. not hurt.

i'm fine

"i'm dying"

"you're not dying, you're just hurt"

"why is it has to be this hurt?"

"it's because you're a human"

it just lines from a film. and it's true.

don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called pain.
don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called love.

it brings you to broken hearted. leave your heart shattered. into pieces.
it brings you to suffering. misery that continuously hit you.
it brings you to lies. many lies. even until you cannot tell, which is right and wrong.
it brings you to fight. fight your own heart. fight your own dignity.
disagreement between heart and mind. takes you on a never-ending madness. rebelled, as if they had never be in line. leave you with all the doubts that are present in your life.
until the end of the day, all you want to do is commit a suicide.

but actually, you just want to be free from your agony.
you just want to feel the happiness of love.
you're just tired of faking smiles. you're just weary lying to yourself.
you just want them to know exactly what your feeling is.
you want to stop acting like you're okay.
you want to make them understand that sometimes you feel lonely.
like no one cares. like nobody notices.

you feel like you're screaming. but all you can hear is silent.
you feel like you're a mess. when actually you just hurt.
you fall apart. you fall too hard. 'till you can't climb back to the top. and say you're just fine.
you keep hiding at the corner. even if your eyes are not able to stem the tears again. you will wipe away the teardrops. and again, let go all of the stress.

they just don't know what you've been through.
they just don't know that you're dying inside.
but you're still living.
'cause of the great pain that you feel this whole time.
prove you, that you're alive. that you are a human.

key to relaiontship

"seven keys to a great relationship : friendship, love, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding, and communication" -@damnitstrue

thinking about relationship these days, it seems like it's easily broken. but actually why? can it be fixed? of course it can. and these are (maybe) the keys to build a successful relationship.

friendship

well, of course, first of all it's friendship. to build a relationship, it always start with being friends with each other. the cycle, turns from strangers, friends, and sometimes it ends as bestfriends. from being friend with each other, we make our self understand others attitude, their daily life, their activities, their emotion, their favorite movies, songs, their hobbies, and any other things you need to know. when you want it to be more than friend. yes indeed, a couple. they both need to know each other well enough. and the main thing is, as a friend, you have to be there when they needed you. be there any time.

love

hah. this one. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. right? of course you silly. if there's no love in each others feelings, how can you start to build a relationship? after all, it's all begin with this four letters word. L. O. V. E. love can bring joys, happiness, sadness, tears, cheers, laughs, broken heart and anything else. but first you feel it yourself. you know you can't deny it. you know you can't lie to it. to yourself. but if it's bring you into a relationship. when you both started to be a couple. efforts means everything to bring the love up. you have to 'push' and 'force' yourself not to make this one fading. don't stop chasing. don't stop trying. 'cause love will be worth it, after all.

freedom

here we go with freedom. do you like to be free? or you just want yourself to be captured and locked with your partners? no way. surely, you need this one. giving a space to your boyfriend or girlfriend is a must. 'cause sometimes, not all their times are ours. and vice versa, is not it? so, when they need their own time to be free with their friends, families, or they need spare time to do their own hobbies or activities, just let them. let go of your ego. and just give them what they needed at a time. 

honesty

this thing? one of the thing that usually broke your relationship if you don't have it. honesty and truth. two important things that cannot be separated. it's a must and it's all you need to build a nice relationship. do not ever lie to your partner, if you don't want to be hurt. just tell them the truth of all the things that happen between you both. everything that she/he doesn't know about you. even it is your past. your worst memories and nightmares. your feelings. your thoughts. your doubts. and everything that connected to you and your partner. just be honest about it.

trust

 have it. just have it. in your heart, in your life, in your feeling, in your relationship. trust is the kind of thing that can bring you to be a mature person. by giving them this key, you create your own happiness. after you giving them space, all you have to do is just believe in them. you will not easily worried about them. trust them that they won't break all of their promises. and never break your heart. in the other side, you have to keep the trust they give to you. keep your promises and your heart for them. 'cause once it broken, it will never be the same anymore.

understanding
ah ya. this one is also a key that brings you to have a nice relationship. a calm one. and a special one. she/he will remember your kindness and your sweetness if you did that in your relationship. you should and you must to understand them. by understanding their life, their situation, their condition, and their freedom, you ease yourself in the relationship. you just have to understand. and you won't make mistake and will avoid from small fights. both of you will create relationships that are easy to live, eventually.

communication
last but not least. as important as the other key. if you don't have it, well i guess it will be the end of your relationship. commonly, this will be the important benchmark from the beginning to the end of the relation. you start by talking to each other. say hello. get to know each other more and more. do the conversation by sending messages. texting or chatting. growing into an intensive phone calls. meet each other just to catch up what's going on with life. share stories. share feelings. share secrets. but when it's stop? you know how it ends. and all that happens and anything that you want, it takes only one. ie, comunicate with each other. so that won't be any misunderstandings in a relationship. between the two of you. but these days, don't let this thing comes true, 'cause what ever happen you have to face a real world. we don't live in a virtual world. like it once said, "relationships are harder now, because conversation becomes texting, argument becomes phone calls, and feeling becomes status messages" -damnitstrue.

so think about those keys. and try hard to make your relationship going well. 'cause to build a great relationship, you know it yourself. it is never easy.

over-thinking

orang bilang, cinta gak pernah salah. tapi apa iya? kalau kita jatuh cinta pada orang yang sangat amat mudah menyakiti kita apa itu gak bisa dibilang salah? buat gw, cuma perasaan yang gak pernah salah.

sudah hampir 2 minggu. dan pikiran gw masih saja berkutat pada hal yang sama. gila rasanya. apa-apa jadi gak tenang. apa-apa mikirnya jadi negatif terus. sebenernya simpel. gw kecewa. itu aja kok. tapi entah kenapa gw ngerasa hal ini, kekecewaan ini, sangat amat sulit buat diungkapin. berapa orang udah gw bagi tentang ini, tapi masih aja rasanya belom cukup. masih ada aja rasanya yang ganjel di pikiran gw.

nyerah. satu kata yang sangat mudah keluar dari mulut, tapi kesannya bodoh banget kalo lo sampai bisa ngelakuin ini. tapi itu yang ada di benak gw sekarang. pikiran untuk nyerah. untuk gak ngejalanin lagi semuanya. cuma karena apa? karena ego. karena lelah. karena capek. karena sakit hati. karena gw gak sanggup lagi buat ngelakuin ini. seperti yang pernah gw baca di @viatumblr, katanya "time can heal a broken heart, but time can also break a waiting heart." bener banget. dibilang lama, ya semua orang bilang lama banget. tapi entah gw sendiri kadang gak mau lepas dari kedekatan ini. tapi bahwa kadang gw ngerasa ngebuang waktu dengan nunggu satu kepastian dari dia itu gak salah. sering bahkan gw berpikir untuk mundur dan menyudahi semuanya. tapi lagi lagi perasaan gak bisa bohong. gw masih menanti. sampai di satu titik gw gak berani untuk ngebuka hati gw untuk orang lain. bahkan untuk mengakui bahwa gw ada perasaan untuk orang lain pun rasanya berat. gw seperti mengkhianati perasaan dia yang berkali kali terlihat jelas tulus. atau malah 'polos'? gw gak begitu paham, tapi yang jelas gw ngerasa amat sangat bersalah sekarang. sekalipun ya dia gak tau tentang hal ini, tapi hati gw tau dan udah mengakui itu. kesalahan fatal mungkin? gw gak tau juga. yang pasti ini salah.

but, do you know, it was like, i'm holding on something that i cannot reach at all. masa iya gw terus menerus diam dan gak bisa ngapa-ngapain. gw kadang merasa ini cinta yang salah, yang membuat gw bertahan terlalu lama tanpa kepastian apa pun, yang membuat gw terdiam bahkan di saat gw bisa menjalani harapan lain. tapi satu hal yang pasti dan gak bisa dipungkiri, karena perasaan ini. perasaan ini gak salah, gw menjalani seturut hati nurani gw menuntun, mungkin iya cinta ini salah, kisah ini salah, hubungan ini salah, tapi perasaan ini enggak. ini benar. ini nyata. ini ada. ini kongkrit. dan masih terus bisa gw rasakan. perasaan gw tentang lo. segalanya tentang lo sejak dulu. sejak saat itu. sekalipun gw udah pernah disakitin, tapi gw kembali lagi seperti orang bodoh. balik lagi, karena perasaan gak pernah salah. dan kadang jutsru karena inilah memaksa kita bertingkah di luar akal sehat, di luar pikiran umum, sampai membuat orang lain gak percaya dengan yang kita lakuin. mungkin memang benar, kebanyakan orang bilang bahwa jatuh cinta bisa membuatmu menjadi orang bodoh.

so, what am i supposed to do? yang pasti, sebersit perasaan yang sempet ada buat orang lain itu, perlahan gw hapus. karena gw sadar, gw gak bisa terus-terusan nyakitin diri gw sendiri. padahal gw udah tau gak pernah ada harapan. dan mulai memupuk lagi untuk membuatnya kembali utuh. yaitu, perasaan gw ke dia seorang. :")

sad truth

hahaha. sad huh?

that's why sometimes, i don't want to believe in "inner beauty"