2012. :)

"a dream is a wish your heart makes...in dream you will loose your heartache"

-a dream is a wish your heart makes (cinderella)-

tahun ini, 2012 aku belajar banyak mengenai mimpi, cita-cita, persahabatan, keluarga, persaudaraan, cinta dan hidup. 

aku cuma manusia lemah. memang, hanya saja aku tidak menyadari. bahwa banyak di sekitarku yang bisa dijadikan kekuatan untuk bertahan dalam setiap luka. dan mereka semua tidak pernah hilang, hanya saja bersembunyi dalam diam. sekalipun memang ada dari mereka, sahabat, teman, kekasih, bahkan keluarga sekalipun hilang dan pergi, berlalu dan tak kembali. tapi yang harus kamu ingat, life must go on. dan aku sampaikan, Tuhan selalu ada. di saat mereka tidak ada.

tahun ini, terlalu banyak kisah yang aku lalui. mungkin sekilas bisa ku bagikan.

teringat di awal tahun, ulang tahunku yang ke-enam belas. telur, tepung, saus kacang, cendol, pasir. cupcakes, patrick star, dan semua yang membuat hari itu menjadi istimewa. thanks to my brother, my best friends, and my family.

lalu saat-saat penuh kegembiraan tawa dan canda. bersama kelasku, sepuluh dua. dufan. seharian. basah-basahan. lari-larian. dan langit senja. really miss that moment.

bertemu kangen dengan teman lama. sahabat lama. teman sepermainan sewaktu aku kecil dan menghadirkan kembali kisah-kisah lama. keluguan. kepolosan. tingkah anak kecil. a reunion with #15.

kenaikan kelas. menegangkan. kembali beradaptasi dengan sekumpulan orang-orang baru dengan berbeda-beda kepribadiannya. welcoming my new fam, XIA3.

kehilangan seseorang yang berarti dalam keluargaku. sosok yang bijaksana. sosok yang rendah hati. dan dicintai semua orang yang pernah mengenalnya. i've missed you so much, grandpa.

bersibuk-sibuk ria dengan segala macam kegiatan lustrum. membuat ku sedikit melupakan pentingnya belajar haha. melelahkan, teramat sangat. namun mengesankan. knowing the guys from the jesuit school.

menjadi seorang mentor. mengemban tugas yang sama sekali tidak mudah sebenarnya. tetapi sangat menyenangkan. jambore with asgard.

and last but not least. seorang yang mungkin sudah terlalu lama melewati waktu bersama. dan membuatku kembali percaya pada kata cinta. him.

tahun depan, 2013. aku hanya berharap semuanya akan lebih baik. akan lebih indah. dan akan lebih bermakna. lebih membuatku tersenyum. lebih membuatku melupakan kepedihan. lebih berharga. dan aku menyimpan mimpi-mimpi yang lebih banyak lagi. semoga menjadi kenyataan. o:)

dan ini video untuk membuatmu menyadari bahwa semuanya itu mungkin. simpan mimpimu selalu dalam hatimu.

1 hour and more

yak, malem ini sebenernya gw garing banget setelah selesai ulum gatau mau ngapain di rumah. refreshing dengan internetan seperti gak cukup. hahaha. akhirnya gw memilih online akun yang paling jarang gw buka, skype. dikit banget yang ol, tapi emang karena friends gw dikit wkwk. terus akhirnya gw memilih untuk nonton film yang disuruh temen gw. genrenya love comedy gitu, korea. awalnya gak niat banget tapi akhirnya pas nonton keterusan wkwk. yaudah nonton lah gw film berjudul, 100 days with mr. arrogant. cari aja di youtube. with english subtitle kalau gak ngerti bahasanya. haha.

sambil nonton sambil twitteran tentunyaa, dan back to my skype. yup he's online. chat sebentar ngelanjutin pembicaraan di bbm mengenai suatu rencana. dan akhirnya di call. yup, bentar sih and it was the first time. 1 hour and more.... :)

setelah jauh waktu berjalan

"aku punya langit cinta yang siap menghujanimu, tetapi kau malah merasa ada di atas awan. sayang, sambil kau acuh dan mengabaikan hadirnya aku di sini, maukah sebentar saja kau menoleh ke arahku untuk melihat betapa aku bodoh sekali?

aku tidak mengerti dan jadi lebih banyak bilang mengapa. terkadang entah, terkadang ya sudah. sekarang apa maumu? melihatku menangis menjerit-jerit tetapi sambil memberimu tepuk tangan? karena kau hebat, sayang. hebat. sadarilah tentang betapa hebatnya kau bersandiwara hingga aku jadi bahagia setengah mati!

kini ketulusanku telah kalah oleh kerinduanmu akan kesendirian. kau tidak jatuh cinta padaku, kau hanya jatuh cinta pada saat-saat yang indah bersamaku. setelah jauh waktu berjalan, berkali-kali siang berganti malam, ternyata aku hanya sesuatu, tetapi bukan siapa-siapa. aku bukan pujaan untukmu menantang apapun demi aku. aku hanya incaran bagi kau yang rupawan dan kebetulan suka tantangan."

dear zarry's - chapter 2 "Anak-Anak Tangga", page 65

he's just...

he's just the same. an ordinary guy. who is trying to find his best.

because...
he's not perfect. but i accept him for who he is.
he makes mistake. but he admitted his faults.
he's not here every moment. but i think about him every seconds.
he's not a joker. but he makes me smile when i am down.
he is far. but he stays in my mind.
he didn't give me any poetry. but he said it straight that he cares.
he keeps hang me in this relation. but he realize, it hurts me.
he is busy. but still missing me.
he's shy and quiet. but i admire his words.
he seems like an introvert. but his thought is mature.
he will change. but for his good.
he may not be worth fighting for this whole time. but there's always something that makes me hold on to this feeling.
he probably not the most romantic person. but he holds my hand tight and protect me.
he don't need to say sweet things. but his small attentions make my heart beats faster.

well...
he's not the best guy i've ever met. but now, he's all i want.

and because i know...
he's just a human. and no one is perfect.
he's just another guy. that can break my heart or keep it for true love.

i'm fine

"i'm dying"

"you're not dying, you're just hurt"

"why is it has to be this hurt?"

"it's because you're a human"

it just lines from a film. and it's true.

don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called pain.
don't you ever be afraid to feel what is called love.

it brings you to broken hearted. leave your heart shattered. into pieces.
it brings you to suffering. misery that continuously hit you.
it brings you to lies. many lies. even until you cannot tell, which is right and wrong.
it brings you to fight. fight your own heart. fight your own dignity.
disagreement between heart and mind. takes you on a never-ending madness. rebelled, as if they had never be in line. leave you with all the doubts that are present in your life.
until the end of the day, all you want to do is commit a suicide.

but actually, you just want to be free from your agony.
you just want to feel the happiness of love.
you're just tired of faking smiles. you're just weary lying to yourself.
you just want them to know exactly what your feeling is.
you want to stop acting like you're okay.
you want to make them understand that sometimes you feel lonely.
like no one cares. like nobody notices.

you feel like you're screaming. but all you can hear is silent.
you feel like you're a mess. when actually you just hurt.
you fall apart. you fall too hard. 'till you can't climb back to the top. and say you're just fine.
you keep hiding at the corner. even if your eyes are not able to stem the tears again. you will wipe away the teardrops. and again, let go all of the stress.

they just don't know what you've been through.
they just don't know that you're dying inside.
but you're still living.
'cause of the great pain that you feel this whole time.
prove you, that you're alive. that you are a human.

key to relaiontship

"seven keys to a great relationship : friendship, love, freedom, honesty, trust, understanding, and communication" -@damnitstrue

thinking about relationship these days, it seems like it's easily broken. but actually why? can it be fixed? of course it can. and these are (maybe) the keys to build a successful relationship.

friendship

well, of course, first of all it's friendship. to build a relationship, it always start with being friends with each other. the cycle, turns from strangers, friends, and sometimes it ends as bestfriends. from being friend with each other, we make our self understand others attitude, their daily life, their activities, their emotion, their favorite movies, songs, their hobbies, and any other things you need to know. when you want it to be more than friend. yes indeed, a couple. they both need to know each other well enough. and the main thing is, as a friend, you have to be there when they needed you. be there any time.

love

hah. this one. IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. right? of course you silly. if there's no love in each others feelings, how can you start to build a relationship? after all, it's all begin with this four letters word. L. O. V. E. love can bring joys, happiness, sadness, tears, cheers, laughs, broken heart and anything else. but first you feel it yourself. you know you can't deny it. you know you can't lie to it. to yourself. but if it's bring you into a relationship. when you both started to be a couple. efforts means everything to bring the love up. you have to 'push' and 'force' yourself not to make this one fading. don't stop chasing. don't stop trying. 'cause love will be worth it, after all.

freedom

here we go with freedom. do you like to be free? or you just want yourself to be captured and locked with your partners? no way. surely, you need this one. giving a space to your boyfriend or girlfriend is a must. 'cause sometimes, not all their times are ours. and vice versa, is not it? so, when they need their own time to be free with their friends, families, or they need spare time to do their own hobbies or activities, just let them. let go of your ego. and just give them what they needed at a time. 

honesty

this thing? one of the thing that usually broke your relationship if you don't have it. honesty and truth. two important things that cannot be separated. it's a must and it's all you need to build a nice relationship. do not ever lie to your partner, if you don't want to be hurt. just tell them the truth of all the things that happen between you both. everything that she/he doesn't know about you. even it is your past. your worst memories and nightmares. your feelings. your thoughts. your doubts. and everything that connected to you and your partner. just be honest about it.

trust

 have it. just have it. in your heart, in your life, in your feeling, in your relationship. trust is the kind of thing that can bring you to be a mature person. by giving them this key, you create your own happiness. after you giving them space, all you have to do is just believe in them. you will not easily worried about them. trust them that they won't break all of their promises. and never break your heart. in the other side, you have to keep the trust they give to you. keep your promises and your heart for them. 'cause once it broken, it will never be the same anymore.

understanding
ah ya. this one is also a key that brings you to have a nice relationship. a calm one. and a special one. she/he will remember your kindness and your sweetness if you did that in your relationship. you should and you must to understand them. by understanding their life, their situation, their condition, and their freedom, you ease yourself in the relationship. you just have to understand. and you won't make mistake and will avoid from small fights. both of you will create relationships that are easy to live, eventually.

communication
last but not least. as important as the other key. if you don't have it, well i guess it will be the end of your relationship. commonly, this will be the important benchmark from the beginning to the end of the relation. you start by talking to each other. say hello. get to know each other more and more. do the conversation by sending messages. texting or chatting. growing into an intensive phone calls. meet each other just to catch up what's going on with life. share stories. share feelings. share secrets. but when it's stop? you know how it ends. and all that happens and anything that you want, it takes only one. ie, comunicate with each other. so that won't be any misunderstandings in a relationship. between the two of you. but these days, don't let this thing comes true, 'cause what ever happen you have to face a real world. we don't live in a virtual world. like it once said, "relationships are harder now, because conversation becomes texting, argument becomes phone calls, and feeling becomes status messages" -damnitstrue.

so think about those keys. and try hard to make your relationship going well. 'cause to build a great relationship, you know it yourself. it is never easy.

foolish

foolish. this is what i feel right now.

i feel like i'm hiding behind all this pain. coming out with a smile, but simply, i'm lying. but if i can act the way i feel right now. it makes me drown back to the corner. sitting all by myself. without seeing the color of their world. full of sunshine. full of happiness. but me? i'll be ignored. i'll be forgotten. and i'll be lost and no one can even find where i am. cause i locked out the door and threw away the empty space for them to hug me or maybe just to listen i'm telling them what's wrong. i'll be blue. and turn out into black, white, gray. like an old photograph. blurry. and seems like i'm only a memory for them.

can you imagine how much it hurts when you are censured by millions mean words? no, you can't. until you experience it yourself. and it happened to me. sadly, i'm telling the truth. makes me wonder if i ran out from my house. go away, far far away. and no one there came out to chase me. not even 1. and i'll get myself lost in a middle of all the heartache. survive as strong as possible to not return back to the reality. and in the end, they'll just realized one thing. that i'm not even there. gone. no where to find.

once, they asked. 'are you tired?' or 'are you okay?'. hahaha. silly question. i don't think i need to answer that. cause if you know me, you'll find out by yourself. what is my feeling. and what is going on. but in reality, you just don't know who i really am. no, you don't and i don't think you will. do you know how much it hurts when your bestfriend said you don't need to be upset just when they saw you passing by? when they used to ask first what happens, sit next to you, listen to all you laments, give you advices, then hug you to make sure that everything will be okay. now, they won't be able to do that again. and i can't complain. i won't complain. cause i know, right now, they're just too happy with their own 'new' life.

and, here i am. being left with no one even know that i'm just too tired with my own life. i wanna change. but i don't know how. i'm kinda lost in the middle of my messy mind. full of problems. full of depression. full of pressure. full of stress. i just wanna stop for being fake. faking my own smile in front of them all. stop for being someone that they want me to be. i just wanna be free. feel free. free from all this heartaches. this pain which i finally realize it. quietly. one by one. each day, each hurt will continue to exist. how can i run away? how can i left all of this behind me? and going with the destiny of my life like there's nothing to be worried about.

they said, maybe i'm just too tired. but there's a question come out from my mind, every time they say that. 'what is actually made me tired?' life? friendship? family? relationship? activities? school? or all the things that i already mentioned? tired of everything. tired of nothing. now i just feel foolish. and i can't even control my own mind, my own feeling, and my own emotion. i don't feel like i lost my dignity. i just think that maybe they are not aware of where i am. i am not surrendering. no, i won't. but i'm going to step back. gradually arrange my circumstances, my chaos, and my tension, to return to the normal point of my life.