:)

there is a question that keep buzzing me lately, 'are we there already, at the end, when over is better than anything else?'

again i would say 'i hope not'.

but how can i hold on to this kind of relationship, when my heart is bearing, facing tears over and over again, and all i have done was let my pillow be wet at night.

we used to tell stories, share problems, figure it out together. TOGETHER. but now? i feel left alone.

i don't even care anymore to keep it all inside eventhough i know i am hurting myself more and more just to keep your heart safe, just to keep your smile in your face, just to see you happy.

can you see how i suffer? i hope you can't, cause if you knew you'll be broke baby and it will be hard for both of us.

again, i choose to hid it. it is wrong i know, but i guess you did all the same lately. and i feel stupid not to recognize that earlier. i just hope you don't repeat my mistakes cause it is hurting, more and more, every second.

remember the time when i fell asleep at night and i found a voicenote in the morning from you?
remember the time when we talk about everything till morning came?
remember the time when i can say straightly how i feel cause i know you would understand and yeah you did?
remember the time when you asked me if i'm okay just by reading my post here a minute after i posted it?

you seem to know what happened to me before i even told you, you seem to know how to make me happy with those little things.
where those things gone dear?

now i remember how recently i sent you a voicenote and i didn't get any reply.
now i remember how we argued through the night and ended up ignoring each other.
now i remember how i am getting used to hide my feelings and saying 'i am okay' when i am not.
now i remember how i realize you haven't check my blog for a while, and you seem like you do not care to read it again.

that is what happening now. that is what going on between us now.
and that is not how it supposed to be.

can we fix this or over is better? :)

an aversive stimuli

sakit
patah hati
terluka
kecewa
and all of the burden

aku mungkin sudah terbiasa dengan keberadaan itu semua
ada masanya di mana aku hanya membutakan mata ketika harus melangkah maju
dan ada masanya di mana aku hanya menulikan telinga ketika harus saling menyapa

kenapa ya, sakit itu memilih datang dan pergi terus menerus
sebenarnya apa yang ia cari?

aku rindu akan siasat malam merengkuh diri ini
menyembunyikan seluruh kepahitan yang hampir tertelan di ujung tenggorokan
membiarkan luka dan perih saling berpapasan lalu seketika itu juga lenyap bersamaan
namun aku tahu, ia hanya sebatas pada malam

ternyata semua tidak pernah semudah itu. sepi, sendiri, rindu, aku benci itu semua

apa aku masih sanggup untuk 5 6 tahun mendatang
menapaki hal yang sama berulang kali?
semoga pusing tujuh keliling tidak menghampiri
dan nestapa tidak menusuki
kalau tidak mungkin akan ada masanya di mana aku harus menyerah

menyerah pada kenyataan yang aversif.

c'mon mind

are you crazy or something? really you totally gonna crash my mind right now...what the hell are you doing in there huh?

please i need to rest for a while, don't be so hectic at time like this..it makes me spinning around like merry go round that won't stop.

and you, seriously you ain't doin something or what? just sit there say anything you use to say everyday without even notice how broke i am right now.

can't even imagine how i can stand for another time like this, it's kinda frustrating and exhausting. i need to go off, i need a day off but i can't and you know that. but all you did was nothing, in fact you're just making it worse.

silly me for holding on? i hope not. even i did say need to break free and lighten up my day, i can't get rid of imagining me without you. i think i am going to drown in a river of tears. hiperbol i know sorry tho..but i guess it's right

thanks for the support besties whoever you are. thanks for listening to all the crap i've been saying about these mixed thought. thanks for every stupid questions and damn good advices that slap me in the face. I love u, u guys know that (i hope)

well. please go okay, i need to be free for a while from things like these. Nite nightmares.

f*ck my daily routine

Well hello again.. Still the same old me

There's actually something going on in my mind, distracting and annoys me the past few days

I don't know why, it almost reaches the end of the semester and i don't think i do good enough this time. You know what? It's been crazy, and i am stuck for being lazy. Once i get my mood boost to do all the paperworks and etc all bad things happen and again make me feel exhausted.

Still going on with my bf, and still the same old stories, heartbreaks, fights, arguments, crazy thoughts over each other, ended up in silence moment. No contact no good responses no vibe to talk to him. It's no good, i know, but shits happen tho. And for the fact that it's getting harder each day can't get away. All i have to do was just face this longdistance thingy cause that's all i need, need this to never stop because of some silly stupid hard convo between us. I hope we won't ruin anything just because of our ego is stronger.

Can anyone find me a good favor to cheer my life? At least for a while.

Oh gosh i need holidays and damn vacation. I need air, to breath this whole crazy things. Fresh air on the beach, the sea and the sunset, the mountain, the fun things to do in any other places will be better, cause now i am drown in my own fucking boring tiring daily routine.

Kayy then bye, gotta read more chapter..

hai, duka

Hai duka,

Kenapa kamu menetap selama ini? Biasanya tidak kan?
Ada apa yang sampai-sampai membuat kamu terlena dengan ruang ini?

Bukankah ruang ini terlalu sempit? Reyot, penuh tambal sana sini.. Tetapi kamu lagi-lagi mengetuk pintu dan masuk tanpa izin..

Mungkin lain kali aku kunci saja ya? Biar tidak perlu berjumpa dengan kamu.

Duka,
Sudahlah.. Memojokkan diri seperti itu tak akan ada gunanya. Pergi, aku ingin ruang ini kosong, sehingga suka bisa datang berkunjung.

Duka,
Lihat...di luar sana hujan! Mendungnya sama seperti wajahmu hihi.. Mendungnya sama seperti ruang ini, karena kamu..

Coba kau pergi dan jemputlah si suka...aku yakin ia akan lebih nyaman tinggal di sini dibanding kau... Kamu tempatnya bukan di sini, maaf.. Aku bukan maksud mengusirmu, tapi hendak membawamu pada tempat yang lebih leluasa untukmu berkelana..

Aku rasa suka lebih butuh tempat ini dibanding kamu.. Suka, dia akan membawa warna pada ruang ini, bukan gemuruh abu-abu seperti yang kau bawa...

Tolong...
Aku butuh suka
Cukup waktu yang kuhabiskan denganmu, duka...

-d

adaptation is sucks

hey, sudah lama yaa kita tak bersua lewat kata-kata.. aku rindu, terus terang aku rindu menuliskan kisah demi kisah perjalanan hati ku sebagai seorang yang berpijak di belahan bumi ini.. tapi apa daya jika selama ini ternyata waktu tidak memberi perkenannya untuk aku mengukir cerita, hingga saat ini barulah ia memberi izin bahkan dalam tenggat yang terbatas.

5 Sep

Hari ini, ada tetes air mata. Entah karena apa aku tidak mampu menafsirkannya. Hanya ada abu-abu, tidak lagi hitam atau putih. Yaa, memang karena manusia akan selalu abu-abu.

Ada rasa lelah yang entah mengapa menggerogoti seluruh tubuhku hingga ke dalam rusuk-rusuknya.

Ada rasa sakit yang entah mengapa membuat ku tak mampu lg berdiri tegak.

Ada rasa kantuk yang seolah-olah membunuhku ke alam mimpi yang gelap tanpa terang sedikit pun.

Ada rasa sedih yang perlahan tapi pasti akan membuat aku menyentuh titik kehancuran.

Ada rasa yang tak bisa digambarkan. Yang pasti aku sedang di titik melankoli memuncak tak terkendali. Ada cerita dan kisah yang tak pernah pergi dan memilih untuk tetap tinggal, sekalipun banyak yang membuat aku ingin membuang memori itu, tapi ia enggan. Memilih dan memaksa untuk tetap berada di sana. Di tempat kenyamanannya yang menyakitkan. Teramat sangat.

Maka mungkin memang benar, if there's something that stays on your mind, maybe it's supposed to be there.